June 20th, 2009

And so it again…

And so my dear mortals I am signed off officially with depression and the Dr agrees we need to look at the under laying cuase rather than fliting from one crisis to another. And I feel plagued as my past crashes down at me at night when I try to sleep thought of what happened and how it feeds into my behaviour.

This is not a comftable place to be – I don’t want to think of my sexual tastes coming for that which happened so long ago and to a small me. It shouldn’t matter still but it does. It so does.

I have have had to reappear on the shelf harm forum though have managed not to succumb but with the King not here alot of the time it is getting harder – only the thought of what the Little Lady would learn from that prevents me. I allow the cat to nead me with sharp claws enough to mark and wonder if that counts as self harm?

I am hating who I am and feeling a crushing failure. Being on my own with the little lady has shown me how dependent I am – I can’t fucking feed myself if the food is in a tin. And I am so scared, so so scared of ending up weak and helpless like just after the birth of ending up back in the wheeled monstrosity not able to lift my new born.

Where the fuck is the future I worked so hard for at the Great Halls of Learning – can anyone tell me?

I am angry too, angry with myself, angry at the King, angry at the Walking Skeleton and at the Maternal Unit, angry at society and angry at academia, angry at the Drs who said I was fine to go back only for me to fall again, angry at the world and angry at luck.

April 22nd, 2009

Computer Aided Sex

I awoke from the most glourious of dreams – I had been tied to the bed so kneeling legs spread by the purple and black lust loops, wearing my PVC skirt that laces up and the rubber corset with the buckels – all in black of course.

The King was creating with his laptop and so was Armand, they were both naked and typing away sat in seats at the foot of the bed. They seemed not to notice me except Armand looked sideways at the King and he nodded. Armand got up and still talking subject specific jargon at the King came over to me.

He grabbed my hips and pushed his cock into me, rythmically he fucked me whilst all the while talking with the King in a calm way. He grunted as he came pushing harshly into me then he with drew and sat down – he continued to work.

April 21st, 2009

Naughty Doggy Humping Peoples Legs

Naughty doggy got horny again and saw the nicest piece of eye-candy so she went up to him and engaged him in a play fight where her hands would be clasped in his and were he pinned her down and she was happy. But then Master came and got nuaghty doggy and led her upstairs and spanked naughty doggy.

He said that naughty doggy had been very disobedient and had been humping the guests legs – naughty doggy snuggled at Master and nuzzeled his nipple ‘poor doggy horny’ she explained and he smiled at naughty doggy.

Then he claimed her as his own fucking her hard and marking her with a bit on her shoulder as he came into naughty doggy.

Then he spanked her agian for humping guests legs.

Naughty doggy wriggled nexted to him and thought about going down and just humping the guest.

April 20th, 2009

The ethics of my libedo

A comrade is staying with us – one that I chased with the idea of copulation in my younger days – he is lovely with waist length black straight shiny hair – he is like Armand from the film Interview with a Vampire and he is lushious.

I so I find myself increasingly flirting with him and too my suprise after tentively looking at the King he started to flirt back.

Just as I was starting to get carried away the King whispers in my ear, ‘remember he has a girlfriend’ I come down with a thump. It is one thing to hit upon my single male freinds who know that I am marraide but I should not do it to those I know to be in a closed relationship.

But the flirting continued from his side and the King sighed – that night he told me that the ethical onous was not on me. Morally it is Armands decission – but I feel I am doing something very wronge but have convinced myself that he flirts with me becuase it is safe to do so – I am marrade therefore no threat – I am conventionally off limits.

I am feeling very edgy about my sexuality again full stop at the moment so this is a sticky issue for me.