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21 March 2009

Hiding Still

I am ashamed of myself my dear mortals, afraid of what the world would make of me if I was truelly to reviel what I am in fullness. I fear ostrizisation from a commuty I am bearly tolorated in when I am on ‘good’ behaviour.

Why does it matter to me? Why can I not be brave and show all my faces, all my facets to everyone?

The hiding and repressing are making me sick of mind once more and I do not want that to happen – I have been doing so well. But it pulls at me, my sexual behavour appalls me and excites me and I haven’t even managed to do anything that interesting but if I think about it – think of how easy I now masturbate. How I whisper to my King about all the fantasies that swerl within my mind I feel wronge, I feel warped and twisted and the King in trying to help has made me feel worse.

He says I am looking for something or subconcously trying to compensate for something with the sex but the sex doesn’t quiet fit and so I am only partially saticfied and so keep trying becoming more and more sexual.

I am over sexed in the first place.

What am I though? I don’t even have a ‘sexuality’ to come out about and so I feel alone, the King says I’m gay/bisexual and then says I’m just horney and am not really anything and I get confussed.

Sometimes I want sex but can nto stand him touching me which is not fair on him, he is always lovely about it but I feel bad. I have been having so many issues with sex of late – my breasts have become a no go zone due to stupid flash backs not leaving me alone – I hate it I really do.

I bury myself within fantsies as that they only way I can cope with sex and I want sex – need sex and lots of it – it bizar and stupid and the King has accendently cuased me to relaspe into a way of thinking I thought I had got rid off. My sexulness, my needs are something wronge, twisted, a mental illness, they take what should be pure and make them dirty and I like that but now its making me feel dirty and I want to scour my skin of with steel wool. I want to enjoy sex with out that little voice at the back of my mind telling me I’m sick, saying that I wouldnt like all this crap if I hadn’t been abused. I dont want my base disired to be tainted by that – so much of my life has been tainted I want the memory erased but it wont go it hangs there like a becon in the back of my mind and often when fucking I have to metal fight myself from letting it surface and wigging me out.

I wish I was brave and I wish I could say – I like women, I like men and I especially like men who look like women – but I can’t I get close to it if I feel the company is receptive to this sort of talk but everyone tends to think I am joking and I suppose I probably am a lot of the time but the essence of it is not a joke. Most of the people I spent my life surrounded by though are intollerant to the point of having appaplexy when I deyed my hair for charity. When I braided my hair many did not speak to me and I feel watched and judged and I feel the danger of attracting stigma in the place I am supposed to life for my who life.

Then there is my family – I just can’t even begin to imaging the arguments and being told I am stupid that would result if I even hinted at not being ‘normal’ in the sexual department – not hating sex with my ‘man’ has already got them looking at me funny.

I don’t get it and I dont get my own reactions to things and I feel traped pretending to be something I am not.

9 November 2008

Which Century are We Actually in Here?

I have dyed my hair and lo! The Villagers arise in ingdignation that I am soon strange freak – I can not believe their reactions as I listerned to lecture after lecture and even before I did it – I got concern from some about how |I would be viewed – I thought they were being abit silly but in this Fucking Backwards place it seems not – they were right and I was wronge – people round here are so up themselves that I want to shake some scense into them but know that they would probably break before any scense actually reached them.

6 October 2007

Curtians

The Walking Skeleton is refusing to let me wash the door curtians – which due to the Flood have infact already been washed – in a washing machine! I want to wash them again as our house became infested with insects whilst we were not in it and I want to put the curtian into storage.

Then she tried to blame me for the burn mark on the curtian – the burn mark that was on the dam thing when we moved in and was the result of the curtian over lapping the old storage heater. She also wants curtians back up our windows – erm… but we are waiting for building work to comense? Where is the scense in putting clean curtians up the windows?

She also accused me off braking the lining of the curtian – it turned out she was confused as I have attactched a thermal liner to the thing to try and help us a) keep the house warm and b) not be so destructive to the planet!

To say that my temper is frayed at the moment is – well an understatement of the largest kind :(

16 July 2007

Confussion of Self Harm

Fury and frustration fill me where caring understanding should be, leaving me confussed and stressed and feeling like the biggest most pathetic hypocrit in the world, neigh the multiverse!

My friend posted about her self harm on her blog so open and graffic and most of all with pictures. I felt sorry for her knowing that she was just desperatly trying to show the world how much she is hurting inside but how can anything done that way be seen anything other than attention seeking?

And this leads me to the fact that I am a hypocrit – I have this blog and I scream about my self harm all the time and describe what I have done and why on here – I do this in a attempt to see the patterns of triggers and what works to stop me and what doesn’t but as she started by commenting on how she wasn’t like those ’emos’ I felt sick and annoyed with her – how dare she assume – she who has plastered pictures of what she has done on her public non-annonamous blog, say that those peoples pain is nothing compared to hers!

And this leads me on to being even more of a hypocrit – I hate the fact that she has done this becuase she is declairing this so publicly and getting lots of sypathy and reaction were as I have hid mine away. The King and the three people I’ve actually told about this blog are all that know of its existance (from my non-electronic world) and my own version of stupidity.

Plus I looked at her pictures and thought in the most self loathing and hateful way – they are pathetic, I always thought my own cuts ect… were the shallow end of the self harm spectrum but even my least bad stuff was worse than what she had photographed and this made me so angry for some reason.

Now I feel so bad about this becuase I know full well that the severity of the physical wound has no bearing on how badly the person is actually feeling. The King actually told me that this was what she had done and made a mistake in that he compared her to me – he was shocked that she had just announced it like that when I have enough trouble letting him deal with my wounds, he also made the mistake of pointing out that her life isn’t actually that bad at the moment – again this can have little effect on what you do as a self harmer once triggered – now the more stressful your life becomes obviosly for me the more triggers there are but that is not necasserily the case for all.

I resent her deeply for being able to be so open in many ways as my main problem is that I can not express myself and I feel bad and dirty and ashamed of the thing that brings me such emense release and punishment and sense of still existing.

Some bits of her post read as me, I could have writen them but others did not – mainly I think becuase she does have borderline personality disorder and/or bi-polar and OCD and somehting else that I can never remember and she is a dramitist, that is why people either love her or hate her.

I don’t really know how to deal with this – I am trying to be a carm, attentive, helpful and caring friend whilst seething with loathing and jelousy within.

I feel as well that she has made self harmers lives everywhere just that little bit more difficult – it is seen by the general public as ‘attention seeking’ behaviour and yet most self harmers never show their wounds and tell no one. I only ended up with the Dr discovering things becuase I had the marks still when I went for an examination for an operation, I was devastated when the surgeon found the marks – I thought I’d done so well in concelling them. I had hidden this for over 20 years and I am only 26. But there is a monority who have self harm mixed up with their personality disorder who do use it as attention seeking behaviour and they are the ones everyone sees the ones that the bench mark is taken from – manipulative over acting.

Now this in itself is harsh becuase I realise that they need help just as much and just becuase it is done for affect doesn’t mean it should be treated anymore lightly – infact it may even be more dangerous to them in the long run as their scense of checks and balances is going to be even more skewed and they desperatly need help like anyone who selfharms – this however has not stopped me being so annoyed and angry with her.

I have given her advice and asked for the photos to be removed as they are a possible trigger for others. I want to be there for my friend but yet again resentful anger has me seething.

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