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11 July 2007

Sod off Posh Toffs

They arrived in droves, hording all the seats, spreading the newpapers out and performing their little rituals. They push I – the Queen of the Goths out of the way as if I were unto nothing!

Their arrogance twisted their over manicured features turning the most gladly and fine clad figures into grotesque figurines akin to the most hideous gargoyels.

They march up to those in service and demand the impossible, they even step beyound the sacred ‘Staff Only’ signs, in order to poke and jab those who are trying their best and have a thousand times more patience than I.

They ignore the pervayors of fine wares for charity events and those selling the Big Issue – neigh they are in fact rude and distainfull to these people – Only to spend the money on gambling and drink. I should think this combination will lead to fisty cuffs and the such like once the sun has set.

Oh the stupidity and pointnessless of these people, if I see one more hat that should be only seen on a Brides Mother I might have to inscert it where the solar jewel of this system doth not shed its glourious light.

This is all I have to say on this matter.

5 July 2007

Not a Proper Job

My Marternal Unit communicated with me via the talking bone and thus she informed me that my poem was crap becuase it did not rhyme – infact that it was no poem at all. Then she went on to demand to know the break down of our financies – I wouldn’t mind if it was too lend me money to sort things out but no it is just too tell me I must have made a mistake and she’ll redo all the calculations.

Then to my new job/contract/comission (not sure what to call it), she started off umming and ahhing about it and then she asks how much I am getting. I find myself explaining royalties and that I wanted them rather than a flate rate but her response to this?

‘Well if you are not getting paid properlly its not a proper job is it.’

Not a proper job? Oh yes thats right anything I do that is creative is a waste of time – so sorry I forgot that there for just a minute and I thought I might actually be able to scrape back my life. Well at least she can not hide my paints anymore or ban papier mache or the such like anymore.

I am wasting my time according to her – my websites, my writing, my drawing my music all of it, no purhapse I can not save humanity in the same way as the scientist in me could – but I CAN’T Do that stuff at the moment so what is the point of freting about it, should I langish away doing nothing at all becuase I can not be a top scientist??

Or should I be out crippling myself furthure doing jobs the dr has said will make things worse? I’ve found something that I can do – mostly at the home with the Lady and King and it is fun and I am mixing art and technology even if it is just that arty people are scared of Geeks and feel more at ease telling me what they want from the technology – functional and pretty rather than one or the other which is all they’ve found previously!

But why do I have to be striving towards a greater agender – why do I need to think of everything I do in terms of success? Her critasism is on par with the Ancestor who tells me my paintings for the Lady are inaccurate – jelly fish are not white they are transparent and what is all this nonsence with faces and glasses on crabs?

FUCK OFF!

I hide my pictures from the world firstly thinking they were something to be ashamed off as they are a waste of time and then thinking they were no good but things have changed – I need to paint and draw and make things and I sent letters rich in doodles to the Shining Light whilst she was sick and when I later went to her grave her mother and father made me feel like those pictures had help and they said they were good and so with the Kings help and the Talking Therapist I have been exploring this repressed side of myself with suprising results.

My mother once said to me – ‘why bother doing what you’re naturally good at – there is no challenge and it is a waste of time you will just get lazy.’

I am so angry now when I think of this and I marvel slightly that my Father still persavered and regullay bought me paints and paint brushes and ignored the fact that I was making papier mache mountains and volcanoes at night under my bed.

I had a chance to go to art college – I gave it up to become a scientist and I still want to be that scientist but I am the artist too – how dare she say that it is not a proper job – if I get money for it and put time in then it is a job and as for her accusation that the websites are just me imitating the King – I can only say that he is not a web designer he is a programmer but she has no concept of the difference nor does she comprehend that I am trying to bring in income too.

I wish they would leave me alone – last time I was painting lots the Walking Skeleton a.k.a the Ancestor let herself and the cats in and proceeded to walk over all the pictures I had drying on the floor and I heared her knocking and I explained that there were pictures drying on the floor – but what I do what I creat or accumplish is yet again as nothing in the eyes of these Haridens.

I am so fed up.

30 June 2007

The Walking Skeleton Intereferance

I have become serious about the few endevours left to me with my current situation – the creative side that was supressed for so long, the part of me that my mother seems to think counts for nothing and is a waste of time, space and energy.

It has started earning me money and believe it or not involves writing though I would be the first to admit that I am not a good writer, I can not spell for toffee and my gramma isn’t exactly brilliant either. However, with such formal creations I tend to draft ten times minium before I even let the King look at it and as he is a latinized man he is a bit tooo good at gramma and rips my work to shrds and puts it back together again.

Anyway I have found a group to go to and this has be fantastic, it has also served as my social outing of the week though it is still early days. They have been really boosting my confidnce but it obviously finishes late and then there is the after pub trip which is as important to me.

The King comes out with a sleepy Lady to pick me up, she is generally happy with her milk and sleeps in our Chariot. I’ve been considering getting the bus home but have several issues with this in that it is a) around the time of pubs closing and there are lots of roudy people about and b) I’ll have to walk through the woods at closing on midnight – there is only one bus after 5 pm and that is the last bus so it doesn’t sound like a fantastic journy for someone who is scared of the dark and has been attacked several times and is petrafied of drunk roudy people when on her own.

The King and I were working it out and mulling over how we could make this work but then the Walking Skeleton bustled up to me yesturaday and begain to say that she would pick me up on her way home from that insufferable game of bridge.

I know this is her being helpful but the emthasis was on me not having to bother the King, like my persuits are nothing and can be cast aside, plus I would not feel at all comftable with this situation and she is bound to forget me or be drunk and I do not get driven by drunk people – I tend to moan if they’ve only done the legal limit – I just hate it.

Fortunatly the group has just moved nights so it is no longer a tenable solution for her to pick me up but then in brisk ‘telling you off’ tones she informs me, ‘there is a bus at 10:30 you know, there is no reason you can’t get that home.’ Grrr BUT OUT you fucking witch – I know, I know she’s being ‘friendly’ but the tone and what have you, had my back right up.

Plus this has sort of caused a self esteem crash again and now I feel crap and selfish for trying to luanch about the only career that is still tenable to me. She also keeps coming around and trying to get me to go to clubs and societies that do what I would love to be doing but as amateurs – I am not an amateur and I can’t stand the thought of paying to do what I should get payed for doing plus I can’t fucking do it can I? No I can’t other wise believe it or not I would be doing it wouldn’t I?

FUCK OFF – PLease?

22 June 2007

Arrogant Beautiful Youths

They came and sat down next to me, beautiful in the latest fashions with posh over prepped vioces and way too much money and time. I was trying to work whilst sitting in a purveyors of that addiction of mine.

My addiction put on the side as I had a head ache I was consuming water, the girls jellewery clanged and they both sported more money than I could ever be bothered with. They sat down next to me and then proceeded to hash out their uninteresting love life at the tops of their vioces – renduring any attempt of mine to work useless – I can not complain though as I was in a public place and not a libary and therefore I accepted this and turned to texted the King about sundaries.

Now I hadn’t looked at my phone for a while so hadn’t realised that several people were attempting comunication – I embarked upon the sojorn of comunication and my phone makes a noise with incoming messages – I don’t know how to turn it off but its not exactly loud or offensive.

Now these two Beautiful People who had turned their attemtions to bad mouthing friends and collegues who were not like them i.e. pre-occupied with looking stunning 24/7. My texting annoyed them even though they were the loudest people in the whole place and I wasn’t the only one whos nerves they were jarring.

The comments started but no direct request to be quiet, they moaned about people having to text every five minutes and when I still continued to try and work they begain to comment on the fizzy haired, buck tooth ugly people who text.

I was reading Harry Potter at the time so it took me awhile to realise they were aiming these things at me and not talking about Hermione – I had been trying to ignore them thinking – I was here first they can damn well move – this was getting tooo much and I’d finished my drink.

I begain to pack my bag up feeling rather red faced and not sure if I wanted to laugh or cry – now I know that I don’t have buck teeth and that my hair is curly but I have poor self image so this actually really affected me and I could not concentrate for the rest of the day – they laughed when I droped my phone and I wanted to smash their faces in.

I had thought I was imagining their slights at first but it became very apparent that I was not imagining it – perhapse wearing my style cloths is a mistake – I do get noticed more I supposed – tie dye and skulls – hmmmm….

Anyway I have therefore had a self confidence crash – especially as my friend then texted to cancel our meet up and I was furiously missing the King and now I feel that I am ugly and buck toothed but also that it is none of their business and that they are rude and arrogant and need to be brought down a peg or two.

  • Vampyra Seeths quietly in a corner *
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