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20 March 2009

Erotic Writings of the Mind

I am afraid that I am keeping the small hours company once again and though I should be resting my unfortunalty broken body I am instead writing. I have been dweliing on my erotic fantascies recently, on the worlds and complicated societies I create in order to masturbate myself to sleep at night. I had been so desturbed by the intricascy and vibrancy of them that I confessed them to the King and told me it is becuase I am creative and that I am basically a writer – this is what I have been doing – creating stories out senorios so why should my erotic dealings be any different.

I am coming up with somthing new and interesting nearly every week – something fresh to excite me so why not write about it? Before this masterpiece of a blog was so rudely interupted by natural cataclism I was attempting to write down some of the more interesting dreams I was having with the idea of keeping them as story ideas in the future and as a way to analys myself. I was also starting to write down some of my fantacies and found that this helps to control that annoying little habit of mine of turning myself into a striated mess.

These fantasies are bits of me that I have pushed down deep and sometimes they are painfull at first, but I love them. I love masturbating to the vibrant imagery of my mind, imagining bueatiful people fucking, clade in entire wardrobes I have designed and designed well to be erotic and provocative in nature.

I had also written several peices of erotica – most about lesbians bizarlly though the King says this is becuase that is the part I am laking – I have a man with whom I can fuck and I even have my harem of cybersex/phone sex minions but they are all men (ok well all two of them). Two of these pieces i had specifically writen to send to an erotic imprint but found that I never sent them off – too worried and embarrassed over my fertile and filthy mind.

But I have spent the last few fever hightened nights pondering upon this and wondered if I should just give in a write more erotic stories – I have been struggling with my sexuality again for sometime and this seems to help – this hashing it all out on the page. So I looked up the ones I could remember and though I have failed to find the lesbian travel erotica I did find the scifi and fantasy people and they have several lots of submissions open for ebooks at the moment – they do not pay very well but they do pay and I need to flush this stuff out of my system.

The sort of senarios they propose are exactly what I have been fantasising about so much as well which is good – there are also the only publishers who have said in response to my enquiry that which I believe most strongly to be true – the word count is determined by the story – this is somehting I have always felt and have argued in writing groups about. My stories are always natural lengths and trying to force them to be anything else stagenates them. I am so pleased with this response that I started writing imeediatly.

I am still writing and have done two sex scenses that are basically within the computer as it programmes a pleasure cyborge. I am having much fun – I had to cough stop for a quick flick of the bean as it were but have been otherwise continously writing.

one issue I do have with this is that I am sick, as in ill and I am having more trouble than normal with spellign and word order which is a pain so I just hope its actually all going to be understandable when I come to the editing stage.

This first one I’m working on has to be done by the 1 May but I think that is doable – the others are due in april but I will just have to see what I get done. I am hoping I can get over the embarrassement factor and actually submit this time.

18 July 2007

French Knickers and He Hate Pain >:(

I love my three pairs of french lace knickers that fit into your butt crack and look like lacy fitted shorts that emthasis the curves of your bottom – when I was a size ten I loved to wear them and prance around infront of the King until he shagged me. I do not wear them now but I do occasionally get the King to wear them.

On this occassion I had built up the whole thing and was very excited I made him wear the blue pair and they looked so lushious there over his sculpted little arse. Then I took his belt and made him bend over, I reached round and felt him in the lace, felt the way it stretched over his dick, felt the texture and loved him so much.

I hit him with his belt – lovely plated leather and begain to get really excited but then I cuaght his testicle and the sod curled up in pain and would not play anymore and I loved him in those knickers and now he is saying its their fualt becuase of where the seam is!

I’ve offered to get him some proper male lacy knickers with room for the necassery but he has refused them aswell – I am not happy about this especially as he recons he really, really hates pain all the time at the moment.

Vampyra goes off to sulk or maybe to masturbate thinking on what he looked like in the knickers.

15 July 2007

Necro-Tendensies III

I’ve done even more thinking on this subject and realise that the whole death issue does have an attraction for me but it is a very confussed one – it is linked to suicide which is a very difficult matter and one I feel wronge for writting about as it is not yet a year since my friend died.

But I went out with an ex who would threaten to kill himself if I left and though I could not cope with this at the time the concept itself has a huge pull on me – stories like Romeo and Juliet – lovers dying for each other – this is what I see. Or with furthure analysis of my own stories the man knowing that they will die if they commit a certain act such as seducing the anti-heroine but they want her, need her, adore her so much that they do it anyway. This isn’t a gender thing for me either – one of the most compelling stories I remember from my teens was the Lady of Shallot.

Her love and obsession for her knight, a knight who knew not even of her existance lead her to a desperate act just to glimsp him once though she knew that it would result in her demise. It is this that I see the erotasism in and not the killing aspect. The fact that my oen anti-heroine kills heartlessly? Well it makes a better story.

Ok so I don’t really know I’m just writing what comes into my head with this stuff – its nagging at me so here I am spewing it out onto the page.

14 July 2007

Necro-Tendensies II

I have continued to think upon this and have come to the conclusion that it is definatly the undead killing aspect – were they then become a vampire or some such that I like and only occassionally would I want to be the perpitrator of this on fatasy worlds were imortality etc… actually exists.

I find the idea of being tied up and pokes with things, lashed with things etc… very sexy but that is two fold – I like this done to me and would like to it – so it is only natural that that would turn up writ large in fantasy senarios. However what I don’t like and makes me feel sick and nuaseas is the ‘Hostel’ concept where people are actually maimed and cut to death etc… For a start it is making the body unwhole and I just don’t like that plus there is nothing there that I find sexual I just find it scary.

I think that part of the problem is that I fear myself – I am nervous about ever finding anyone who’ll actually let me hit them hard for the same reason I am scared of my self harm. There is an angry -very angry core to me that has been know to flip much to the shock of the school bully and much to the shock of the poor guy who tried to seduce me in freshers week (I panicked and bit him hard becuase he refused to get off of me).

I have a friend who when we were in Halls together at Uni we’d have ‘play’ fights in the middle of the night – there was also a sort of ‘Fight Club’ thing going on as well which stemed from this.

We would become so intense with this and so absorbed in our scirmishes that we didn’t notice how much we were hurting each other. Now I was small – not even five ft and about size 10-12 at the time and he was quiet a chunky bloke and he was trying to hurt me. His friends would watch and try and decide when to interviene so I wouldn’t get killed. They never did and it was always him who ended up reeling away in pain.

I was both scared and exhilerated by this but the main thing is that I have this dark destructiveness within that I had been trying to deny and bury and it came out in uncontrolled bursts – mainly aimed at myself. I fear this and would never want to inflict pain on someone in that condition again as I feel it is dangerous.

But one of the things I have noticed is that I prefer the concept of inflicting injury and pain like this in a fair fight rather than him being tied up – I love the concept of being restrained as well but I think its the restraint I like rather than the hitting in that context – I’m starting to think I just like fighting to be honest – it always seemed so pure some how. These are not right thoughts and I am being highly disturbed by them.

Sigh – I think I’m going to stick to my lovely vampires and zombis.

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