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20 June 2009

And so it again…

And so my dear mortals I am signed off officially with depression and the Dr agrees we need to look at the under laying cuase rather than fliting from one crisis to another. And I feel plagued as my past crashes down at me at night when I try to sleep thought of what happened and how it feeds into my behaviour.

This is not a comftable place to be – I don’t want to think of my sexual tastes coming for that which happened so long ago and to a small me. It shouldn’t matter still but it does. It so does.

I have have had to reappear on the shelf harm forum though have managed not to succumb but with the King not here alot of the time it is getting harder – only the thought of what the Little Lady would learn from that prevents me. I allow the cat to nead me with sharp claws enough to mark and wonder if that counts as self harm?

I am hating who I am and feeling a crushing failure. Being on my own with the little lady has shown me how dependent I am – I can’t fucking feed myself if the food is in a tin. And I am so scared, so so scared of ending up weak and helpless like just after the birth of ending up back in the wheeled monstrosity not able to lift my new born.

Where the fuck is the future I worked so hard for at the Great Halls of Learning – can anyone tell me?

I am angry too, angry with myself, angry at the King, angry at the Walking Skeleton and at the Maternal Unit, angry at society and angry at academia, angry at the Drs who said I was fine to go back only for me to fall again, angry at the world and angry at luck.

17 April 2009

Tears Fall

Blood pounds within my ears These thoughts again They come to bear Within me and without The pain that washes away All thoughts of pleasure and of love Me alone again Lost forlorn Tired to the edge of being Wishing he was somehow Here

29 March 2009

I am Tangled inside

I wanted to be me, I wanted to express myself. But I have failed and taken myself to a dangerous place, needlessly exposing myself.

I am tired of hiding and mean everything about me the shelf harm, the anger, the hatred for human beings in genral, the sexial devience – the darker non-safe aspects of my personality. I can’t seperate them anymore I want to shout at people for being so blind so stupid and yet fear my voice may betray me.

Why so worried, what would I loose?

I feel (weather rightly or wrongly) that I would loose my family, respect from friends, the community I have to live in would mostly ostrocize me (and this is a definate) and of this happened I would have no reason to act normal – no reason not to lock myself away and just write horrid dark depression self absorb shit – no reason to not paint endless nightmare on canvas that can never be sold and would send me deeper within myself.

Vampire girl informs me I’m a rational – like her, her husband and the King and therefore I primarily exist in my mind – feeling sick with not knowing who I am again. Feeling the worry that I am not a real person.

I have become very triggered and am not sure how I’m going to not do the stupidness that I always eventually do to cope.

27 March 2009

Gentle Probing My Boundaries

I met up with some old friend whilst in the Capital and was having a good time, no a fantastic time – I feel so isolated here sometimes and I dream of socialisation but alas I can not have that not now.

My male compatriate joked lots about me trying to get him in bed with the King and then my friend Vampire Girl as I shall refer to her made a statement in response to something he said about me. “Vampyra’s not gay!” she announce hotly and he coughed and left to get us more drinks. Then she turns to me and says, ‘well your not right?’

I became tongue tied and shrugged and paniced and blushed and then said I didn’t know what I was.

She then lean forward and said she thought she was bi but wasn’t sure.

Then our male compatriate left about the time Vampire Girls brother and his possibly boyfriend arrived. At this juncture I did not realise this link and being me was being loud and vocal about their leather coats and chains they wore. My male compatraite announced my desire for men together and then promptly left.

I think I need to wite a seperate account of them to my situation with my friend or else this post will be come as confusing as my life.

Vampire girl got me pouring my heart out, about how this has been tugging on me so for the last few months especially, it was before that but recently the fact I can not be open with anyone other than the King, that he is the only person who sees all fascets makes me sad.

I am a ‘goody two shoes’ and a rampent nympho who can’t deside between men or women. I like people it never has mattered weather they are male or female.

I love buetiful people and I love certain personalities and I wish to make myself whole instead of this fractured mess with bits missing where I’ve crumbled.

But I spent so long being bullied at school, by someone who it later turned out was bisexual and who’s feelings towards me were fucked up as her liking me ment that somehow the gayness was eminating from me. And I suppose part of me feared this. Then at the Halls of Education I found myself once more being mistaken for a lesbian and hating and loving it. But fighting it.

I love men, I really do I just find them so beuatiful but as was rightly and repeatedly pointed out I’m attracted mostly to effeminate men, ones who are often themselves mistaken for women. Beuaful scultped elves. High check bones and compeling eyes. With people ramming it down my throat that this ment I was bi I shied away from looking at that side of myself.

There is a certain look that I crave and I don’t care weather they are male or female but there is something else – sometimes I want to be being touch by women and sometimes I don’t – sometimes the thought of it repels me – normally around the accussed moon cycle time. But I go through similar phases with men.

I am just odd I think.

What is not helping me is that I live in an area where people are not as tolerant as they should be and my mode of dress often cuases critasism, it is a small communitee and the Little Lady does not need sigma I wraught.

So what am I supposed to do?

And there is an issue that I am married. I have already managed to alienate myself from the ‘local’ lesbian scene though this might have had more to do with trying to pull a cute ‘boy’ whilst being married who turned out to be a militant man hating lesbian – sigh.

I’ve been hiding more from my female ‘straight’ friends I suppose and this make me very unhappy and I know that in this day and age its not supposed to be a big deal but I feel it is and I’m really confussed.

Of course part of the problem may lay in the fact that I had just ‘discovered’ that I really did like women and had just been stung rather badly when the King reappeared in my life and then the next thing I knew I was married and then a mother and that part of me that had just been set free was sort of left pathetic and mewing but not back in its box.

One of the things thats been worrying me is that I ogal women – I really do and I feel I shouldn’t and feel ashamed and dirty and awful and like everbody was right – but I mustn’t think like that or I start the stupidness again and that wont help anybody.

I’m sort of glad Vampire Girl asked me and that she then explained she didn’t think any less of me and stuff and gave examples of other friends who had struggled with ‘coming out’ but part of me is going how can a married women ‘come out’ and that sounds alot grander than what is going on and once again I am just making huge crises out of nothing plus am I not a little old to be having all this termoil?

I’m in the later part of my third decade upon this planet so how comes I boil with emotions that belong to the second decade of life?

I’m just so confused dear mortals :(

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