Vampyra - Queen of the Goths

Dear mortals I felt that I your queen should share with you the wonders that are known as Charity Shops. This wonderous heavens for porcalin sheep herders and guilded mirrors occassionally produce the most fantastic of finds.

I have managed to purchase the most fantastic pair of boots for £2.70!!!! They are shiny purple, sort of faded looking - slightly dark parmer violet I suppose you would call it with black flames in shiny reaching up from their pointed toes. They are knee high with a delicate heel that flanges slightly at the bottom.

I just could not believe my luck and have been prancing about in them. Mr Tiger wants me to wear them to the Esteemed capital but I shall not - at least not on ordinary days! He says they are Footwear for the Dark Elfs he has a special name for them which I can not recall in the here and now.

I will however wear them with the slightest provication - now all I need is too be able to walk in them!

I have such small feet as is fitting for an Empress of the Night that I am always startled to find adult style shoes but this also means the shop thinks they can not sell them and so they tend to be cheap

I am ashamed of myself my dear mortals, afraid of what the world would make of me if I was truelly to reviel what I am in fullness. I fear ostrizisation from a commuty I am bearly tolorated in when I am on ‘good’ behaviour.

Why does it matter to me? Why can I not be brave and show all my faces, all my facets to everyone?

The hiding and repressing are making me sick of mind once more and I do not want that to happen - I have been doing so well. But it pulls at me, my sexual behavour appalls me and excites me and I haven’t even managed to do anything that interesting but if I think about it - think of how easy I now masturbate. How I whisper to my King about all the fantasies that swerl within my mind I feel wronge, I feel warped and twisted and the King in trying to help has made me feel worse.

He says I am looking for something or subconcously trying to compensate for something with the sex but the sex doesn’t quiet fit and so I am only partially saticfied and so keep trying becoming more and more sexual.

I am over sexed in the first place.

What am I though? I don’t even have a ’sexuality’ to come out about and so I feel alone, the King says I’m gay/bisexual and then says I’m just horney and am not really anything and I get confussed.

Sometimes I want sex but can nto stand him touching me which is not fair on him, he is always lovely about it but I feel bad. I have been having so many issues with sex of late - my breasts have become a no go zone due to stupid flash backs not leaving me alone - I hate it I really do.

I bury myself within fantsies as that they only way I can cope with sex and I want sex - need sex and lots of it - it bizar and stupid and the King has accendently cuased me to relaspe into a way of thinking I thought I had got rid off. My sexulness, my needs are something wronge, twisted, a mental illness, they take what should be pure and make them dirty and I like that but now its making me feel dirty and I want to scour my skin of with steel wool. I want to enjoy sex with out that little voice at the back of my mind telling me I’m sick, saying that I wouldnt like all this crap if I hadn’t been abused. I dont want my base disired to be tainted by that - so much of my life has been tainted I want the memory erased but it wont go it hangs there like a becon in the back of my mind and often when fucking I have to metal fight myself from letting it surface and wigging me out.

I wish I was brave and I wish I could say - I like women, I like men and I especially like men who look like women - but I can’t I get close to it if I feel the company is receptive to this sort of talk but everyone tends to think I am joking and I suppose I probably am a lot of the time but the essence of it is not a joke. Most of the people I spent my life surrounded by though are intollerant to the point of having appaplexy when I deyed my hair for charity. When I braided my hair many did not speak to me and I feel watched and judged and I feel the danger of attracting stigma in the place I am supposed to life for my who life.

Then there is my family - I just can’t even begin to imaging the arguments and being told I am stupid that would result if I even hinted at not being ‘normal’ in the sexual department - not hating sex with my ‘man’ has already got them looking at me funny.

I don’t get it and I dont get my own reactions to things and I feel traped pretending to be something I am not.

Dear mortals even though most of you have forgotten that I exist I have unfortunatly not forgotten that I exist and have been living in a form of hell known as Bedlem - Chaos has reigned upon this fair queen and she is tired.

But more than that I fear I am loosing myself, I have not self harms for well over a year now but the pressure of it is always there as steel rose in the back of my mind as life piles up angish around me. The golden autum that normally is my favourite season was yet again rent by the death of a friend and one who I had loved though I doubt he ever felt anything but friendship.

I do not yet have the strength to write and purge myself of these feelings that surround him. The King as always is gentle and understanding and hugs me and kisses me and fucks me as he knows how I need it.

And still I feel split, I feel I am hiding again, that I am imprissioning a part of me, and it is fighting tooth and claw to escape - these last few weeks my sexuallity has also been tugging at me as my thoughts become wierder and my fantascies invite alien anatomies and rendure stories out of the oldest tales.

I am also still arguing with myself as to weather I am Bisexual and I think I know that I am but it doesn’t matter as the female ‘gay scene’ have been nothing but hostile in away I would never have expected. It appears its alright for straight women they fancy to go to ‘their’ clubs but its not alright for me and this hurts, so if I had hidden within my married completely - would I have been accepted?

I never even said anything about my sexuality they assumed one thing and then I wasn’t but I don’t know how all of this is supposed to work and I am so scared that being open will result in being ostrasized where I live by my family and the Little Lady will be going to school soon and I can’t do that to her.

I feel sick thinking on this, and I spoke with people in poly relationships which makes me crave things all the more - I suppose the problem is that I am greedy. I have the King and I love him but somehow I am drawn to want more, to taste others, to have more than one person in the room with me.

My house is full of the Parentals as well and between them, the Village and the Walking skeleton I do not feel safe in pouring myself onto the laptop screen, I can not write with emunity - and I need this, this is my sanctuary.

and highly cheesed off - she has spent far too long living in the Walking Skeletons attic and she is tired. How long before the damage of a few inches of flood water leaves us?

I apologise for disappearing I did write posts off line which one day I may actually post. But I can not write sexual stuff with The Walking Skeleton bursting in on me every five minutes nor can I stomache sitting in a freezing building trying to type just so that I can moan about her.

This afternoon I am to attend a tea party or so I was informed yesturday and the Little Lady has to be there.

Seething quietly - currently self contained.

sigh….