This is not a comftable place to be - I don’t want to think of my sexual tastes coming for that which happened so long ago and to a small me. It shouldn’t matter still but it does. It so does.

I have have had to reappear on the shelf harm forum though have managed not to succumb but with the King not here alot of the time it is getting harder - only the thought of what the Little Lady would learn from that prevents me. I allow the cat to nead me with sharp claws enough to mark and wonder if that counts as self harm?

I am hating who I am and feeling a crushing failure. Being on my own with the little lady has shown me how dependent I am - I can’t fucking feed myself if the food is in a tin. And I am so scared, so so scared of ending up weak and helpless like just after the birth of ending up back in the wheeled monstrosity not able to lift my new born.

Where the fuck is the future I worked so hard for at the Great Halls of Learning - can anyone tell me?

I am angry too, angry with myself, angry at the King, angry at the Walking Skeleton and at the Maternal Unit, angry at society and angry at academia, angry at the Drs who said I was fine to go back only for me to fall again, angry at the world and angry at luck.

The King was creating with his laptop and so was Armand, they were both naked and typing away sat in seats at the foot of the bed. They seemed not to notice me except Armand looked sideways at the King and he nodded. Armand got up and still talking subject specific jargon at the King came over to me.

He grabbed my hips and pushed his cock into me, rythmically he fucked me whilst all the while talking with the King in a calm way. He grunted as he came pushing harshly into me then he with drew and sat down - he continued to work.

He said that naughty doggy had been very disobedient and had been humping the guests legs - naughty doggy snuggled at Master and nuzzeled his nipple ‘poor doggy horny’ she explained and he smiled at naughty doggy.

Then he claimed her as his own fucking her hard and marking her with a bit on her shoulder as he came into naughty doggy.

Then he spanked her agian for humping guests legs.

Naughty doggy wriggled nexted to him and thought about going down and just humping the guest.

I so I find myself increasingly flirting with him and too my suprise after tentively looking at the King he started to flirt back.

Just as I was starting to get carried away the King whispers in my ear, ‘remember he has a girlfriend’ I come down with a thump. It is one thing to hit upon my single male freinds who know that I am marraide but I should not do it to those I know to be in a closed relationship.

But the flirting continued from his side and the King sighed - that night he told me that the ethical onous was not on me. Morally it is Armands decission - but I feel I am doing something very wronge but have convinced myself that he flirts with me becuase it is safe to do so - I am marrade therefore no threat - I am conventionally off limits.

I am feeling very edgy about my sexuality again full stop at the moment so this is a sticky issue for me.

Sometimes I have both channels open at once and love bringing them to climax by just saying stuff to them - by typing out what I want them to do to me or me do to them. But I hurt Danish boy today. It never occured to me that he might think of this as an us thing - that he would be jelous if I did it with other people.

I thought I had mentioned the other guy before but the more I explained about it the shorter his responses became. He then asked me to delete the logs of our discussions. This was on the back of him asking me not to tell the girl he’s trying to suduce that we have these ’sex chats’.

This hurt me slightly as I felt that it should have been obvious that I wouldn’t blurt it out to her and then I started thinking about it and about the fact he disappears sometimes and doesn’t talk to me for an age - I’m pretty sure these corrasponde with when he has a girlfriend.

I understand that it would be a bit off to have our sexual talk whilst he is in a relationship as some may see that as inferdelity but it would be nice to still be seen as a friend.

So now I am wondering about the emotions behind what seemed to be an emotionless piece of fun at the begining - it would appear that all those nasty complex emotions that surround sex within our culture are spilling out into the regions of cyber space - this makes me sad slightly.

I want to explore my sexual nature but if I risk hurting people I’m not sure I can ethically.

Fear crawling mind fired lost in dreaming needing breath

Aching crime thought growing decaying birth fear of unknown

I didn’t see the episode but rape is a tricky subject made more so by girls being made to feel guilty about their own sexual desires meaning that that there are girls who put themselves in the path of danger. This can be seen as the girls consenting it is not but in some areas of this country there are still enclaves were it is considered that a girl is basically going to loose her virginity by getting drunk and not being able to say no.

It is also considered by some to be ok to add something to the drink to relax her. This is disguesting and I thought I had blown it all out of proportions until I met someone esle at university who had grown up near me and he mentioned this as a fact. He didn’t agree with it either.

The emotions of sex are never really explained to teenagers and it all gets very confussed as what they kids read in teenage fiction gives them very warped views of what is going on. Sex turns into a truma for both sexes with the descent boys petrified that if they appear to be interested they will be seen as a sleeze and girls thinking simultaniously that they are ugly/fat as no boy has tried to touch them and that every male is about to drag them down an ally rape them and then stab them to death.

Dressing up is seen as a come on and not dressing up results in accusations of lesbianism - of course attitudes have hopefully changed on that front since I was at school.

Looking at your post - what the Bill would be implying is that if a girl is unable to say no they are concenting which really is well stupid.

I don’t know how situations like this would be best dewlt with. I have watched girls being ostracised becuase they did take things to court - and friends perants not allowing the friends to give evidence in court becuase they didn’t want it to mar their duaghters reputation etc…

Sorry just babbling now - I’d best go.

Vampyra

I have managed to purchase the most fantastic pair of boots for £2.70!!!! They are shiny purple, sort of faded looking - slightly dark parmer violet I suppose you would call it with black flames in shiny reaching up from their pointed toes. They are knee high with a delicate heel that flanges slightly at the bottom.

I just could not believe my luck and have been prancing about in them. Mr Tiger wants me to wear them to the Esteemed capital but I shall not - at least not on ordinary days! He says they are Footwear for the Dark Elfs he has a special name for them which I can not recall in the here and now.

I will however wear them with the slightest provication - now all I need is too be able to walk in them!

I have such small feet as is fitting for an Empress of the Night that I am always startled to find adult style shoes but this also means the shop thinks they can not sell them and so they tend to be cheap

Screaming crinsom Lighter tone In the morning In my throat

Blood Angle Talking rose In the soul In my moan