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28 February 2007

The Memory

I remember that my lower legs were covered in bruises and marks, I remember being told this was becuase I was clumsy. they never appeared again after the Tormentor was banned from going near me.

I also remeber staring at a chair leg, remembering every detail of it as I had to remmeber what was going on for later – I dont know now though what it was I was so desperate to remember all I see is the chair leg and a feeling of fear, deep gut rentching fear.

These are concrete memories, solid, unwaverying but suprimpossed on these are nightmare images – whats dream and what is real I can not tell you. I was so young when this was all happening that I can not be sure anything I remmeber is true. I thought for a long time I was mad.

At the Tormentors place of dwelling there was a cupboard under the stairs, I remmeber this with distaste and fear. I began one night to talk to the King about this. Another concrete memory was of being locked in the shed, dark and horrible, so much so that being trapped in places had often resulted in me being a whimpering mess – strange how I do not scream for help?

When I spoke of these things to the King a strangeness occure, I was suddenly there again feeling the fear, the terror. I saw the inside of the cupboard I can discribe it the feel of the floor boards, though I have no memory of being tied up in there yet that is the instictual feeling I have.

I was so scared of this cupboard it was a place of Monsters. Strangeness increases when I remember solidly that if I felt I was bad, for years I would get my younger bother to tie my hands and feet together and I would sit in the wardrobe in my bedroom. I would even get him to shut the door on me though I was scared of the dark and inclosed spaces. This I do not believe was correct or healthy behavour for a child – something was wronge.

I know that something happened to me whilst the Tormentor was looking after me. I have been told that I was a very disturbed little girl afterwards but that I got better – no this is a perantal lie as they can not face the fact they left me there. I did not get better, I was a child, I was adaptable but I was scarred and I buried the pain and the confussion but it was always there disturting everthing else I have tried to do since. It lay me bare to abuse from anyone who saw the weakness it created, I thought it was me who was mad, me who was bad.

I asked about it – Oh she never put you in the cupboard. The King wanted to shout at my Parental – well who did she put in the cupboard then? As the tone implied that someone had been.

The affect of this cupboard phobia is harsh – every story I have ever tried to writ about children has ended up with some ordeal were they are locked in a cupboard. This Fucking memory is destroying me attempts at writing – so much pain and dark dispair comes out that no one will publish it. You are a good writer, this stuffs so powerful but its unpublishable, no one wants to read about tortured kids in this way.

The memory of the bruises – this is interesting as when I was walking alone in the dark, I imagined a monster, imagined it clawing at the bottom of my legs – where I have the solid memory of the bruises, bruises confirmed by my Parentals as having existed. To my adult rational mind, this claw on the end of an insectile leg seems to be in shape and size, comparable to the sort of gardening implament for cutting bits off of trees.

The Tormenters garden was full of trees and they kept their tools in the shed I was locked in – i can not but help draw the conclusion that to a fightened childs mind, in the half light this tool would have looked like some sort of alien appendage – especially one with such an actiuve imagination as mine. Why is it associated with the bruises though?

The King pointed out that if hit with such a thing bruises and not cuts would have been left. I did not want to hear this I was scared. I told him to shut up but the thing is I think in the light of day that he is most likely correct. The horrors of my past mixed with the nightmares they engendered in me, have once again arises to turn me into a frightened jibbering wreck. I am a grown woman and yet the dark can parralise me, I have achieved many things and yet the faintest dissaproval has me seeking the solance of the blade and flame and if they arent avalible then my too good imagination thinks of other ways to allow self harm.

The self harm bit worries me – what if I did just do all this to myself? unlickely as it predates my first recollection of self harm, the self harm seems to have started when all of this had finished. I as a child maintained the patten of life I had become familiar with, I continued and indeed continue to metre out punishment too myself.

I am disturbed once again by the darkness that lurks in my mind, the sorrowful state of a confused child, abused and alone and frightened, a child I appear not to be able to grow out of.

27 February 2007

What Goes bump in the Night

Ironical as it may seem I Vampyra Queens of the Goths am afriad of the Dark. Afraid seems such a mild term really for the terror that corses through me at the dead of night.

I had arranged to meet a Comrade at one of the local Ale Houses, but I had not thought it through and it clashed with a very grumpy ill Ladys bedtime meaning the King had to stay and Guard her Littleness in the Slumber Time.

This ment I was faced with the prospect of walking up hill through dark winding, lonely country lanes on my own! To be honest I really did not think that I would be able to complete this Heady Trial.

The Chinese fortune telling sticks told me I had made a promise without thinking but that I had to keep it and the King was fairly ushering me out of the door.

I placed a Crown of Light upon my Royal locks and brandished a Sword of Light otherwise known as a Maglite and headtorch and tallied forth into the unknown – only to find I was too scared. The night was dark with a small cresant moon looking like a silver claw in the inky sky.

I would not have even made it half way acorss our grounds had the King not escorted me to the Boundary. He could go no further with me as he could not leave his charge. I looked forward along a road so old it is dug into the mossy bank – walled in or so it seemed to me, dark moody and forboding with skeletal fingers of white bone trees lurking along the side, ready to pounce any unweary traveller. I looked back, there was a welcoming yellow glow of the lighted windows of our Domicile.

‘I can’t do this…’ I whispered my breathing already irregular and harsh.

The King reassured me and selected ‘unspooky’ music upon the miniscule noise maker and tried to say goodbye but I was focused – I had to move then with no tactile touch, once given I would latch on and not let go. I had to stare straight ahead and just move.

Momentum attained I panted up the hill trying not to think of the consequences of any of my various injuries unleashing vegance against me, being stranded unable to even walk in the dark drizzly night did not encourage me in the least. I tried to look ahead, ignore the movements I percieved in my perifery. I tried not to think about how scared I have been in the past whilst walking this, with the King by my side. I tried to regulate my breathing and to not go too fast as I could do with out a panic attack.

Half an hour it would take me normally to reach the Ale House, half and hour? Each step seemed to take so long, then a skull loomed at me out of the hedgrow, I jumped, both torches pointing at this hideous apperition – a hollowed tree trunk white and stark in contrast to the brown rotting ones around it. I continued.

Skulls, hands, rotting corpses hanging above me – all these things I saw but a quick glimps with the Light Wand and they were nothing – just the trees. Though these seemed to me, to be possessed of some strange melvolance that was driving them to torment me in this way. Each aperition made my heart beat faster, the familiar pain this brings started and I fought to bring myself back under control.

I passed a log covered in white frills, now I know this is nothing but a harmless fungus but my imagination at these times is my worst enamy – it became a hand stretching out towards me. I struggled not to run passed it and keep running – I was coming up to the steepest part, a viscous turn and it was slippery with rotted leaves. I fall over at the best of times, running in those conditions would have been disasterous.

I continued walking trying to look straight ahead so that I did not see too many of these tree optical illusions.

Little firefly like creatures flew infront of my face obscuring the scene before me, startled I went to shoo them away, the movement of my hand in the harsh blue LED light of the head torch made it into a pale white creature darting hither and thither – too fast to see what it was. I felt rather stupid for jumping to this – my own hand but then proceeded to do it several more times before discovering that the fire flies I sort to shift where in fact light catching the fine misty rain in my own hair that had blown round my face in a fine halo.

Feeling very silly I started to sing to the music my companion and mainstay in that trecherous night.

I thought I was being silly, nothing out there but foxes I thought and then my over active mind came back with the images of ‘Large Cats’ thought to roaming the English country side – an old fear from child hood. So I thought about deer instead, unfortuantatly I can creat a fearful creature out of anything and in my mindseye the deer became fanged with red eyes. Vampire deer out for my blood.

I then jumped as a dark shape entired my periferal vision on my right side, nothing there. I kept going, there it was again – what the hell, ok Carm down. Fucking Idiot – Its the shadow of your torch in the other torch!

I was starting to loose it – I was just passing the a house I thought – there are people in there I could go and knock, be safe until the King came and got me. I kept walking.

I knew the deadest bit of road was coming up but the banks were not so steep and the trees do not press in as much, plus I could see some vechiles moving about in a near by field – I was not the only human. My confidence begain to build again – was not I, the silly one for being so scared of shadows! See accidently mentioning the film the Village before leaving the Domicile did not affect me too much beside I am the Monkey I can do anything!

A new mantra since the Chinese New Year – I am The Monkey I can do anything.

I kept walking, my mind thought of things, it thought of the fact I was listening to music and how I was told repeatedly that I was psycic, how I used the music to block things – I tried to ignore this thought. I kept walking, though not as certainly now.

I had beaten the fear there were no corpses hanging in the trees this was just a road. Crap – images of a horror short story of my friends filled my head – Crap crap crap. Deserted roads – oh dear.

I felt the brush of something collide with me coat – I have no idea what it was and had to fight very hard not to dash off blindly into the night. Half remembered fears from the Tormenter came to me. A claw matallic and dark, an organic curve, heavey and solid banging into my calves. This claw attatched to a red spidley arm – jointed where the claw joins and where an ‘elbow’ would be. This image, this memory followed me stronger and more real – a taint of realness to it. This was remembered, this was nonscense I was loosing it.

I change hands with the torch and let my right hand drop to my side. I imagined a hand, small and cold and slimey slipping into it. A child.

I rapidly placed my hand in my pocket but the thoughts would not leave me. Mottled pale and blackened skin – I’m sorry but that is the best way to discribe it. Big sorrowful eyes and hair that had once been dark blonde, clumped with slime, just like the hair you pull from the plug hole.

‘Stay and play, I want to be your friend.’ All in my head I know – but again this had the feel of memory, I remembered being in the cupboard, I remember this sort of thing, she was there with me then. Trapped alone in the dark – the Monsters always come.

‘Go Away Go away goaway’ I can not say weather I uttered this aloud or just thought it. I was on the verge of tears. I knew this was all in my head I had to keep carm. I could see no child, there was no ghost or spirit, just a sensation.

I am the Monkey I am the Monkey. I tried thinking of things I used to do – my tailsmen against the dark, I was too flustered then I thought of my companion animal (a Chinese friend having resently done my horoscope). This animal is supposed to be with you always, so I imagined it, imagined it protecting me.

This mostly worked though I was a frightened rabbit. I could see the main road but the fear of the trees returned – a long thin tendral, white and gleaming in my torch light, seemed to be reaching for me, I thought of stranglulation and decapitation. I shrunk my head down into my neck as far as it would go.

I could see the Ale House, I breathed easier though I removed my headphones. a new danger presented itself to me. Once bitten twice shy as they say – the reason I had taken the big torch was not for the extra light, though that was welcome, but rather becuase I had been jumped by men from trees before and I always want a hefty torch with me. It had been relatively innocent that time but I am always wary.

Of course I am paranoid and nothing happened. I entered the light and laughter filled atmosphere and was hyper with my success – however I think the fact I could not find slumber easily that night is telling.

The King said welldone, he said you’ll be more confident next time you do it – my response? That of a Chicken – I am NOT doing that again. He seemed sad but I really am just too scared – pathetic I know but my fear of the dark is so ingrained I’m not sure it can be solved and if anything the night walk has made things worse – I really was terrified, though I reallise the apperisions and spooks were all within my stupid pattern seeking mind!

Still on the plus side I have already started to form some of this into a good yarn or three! I can share my horror and revolution – watch out litary world!

26 February 2007

Mothers Little Helper

‘She goes running for the shelter of her mothers little helper…’

I wish…

There is a reason I turned them down, mainly becuase I know I can not be trusted with those sorts of pills. It is just an overdose waiting to happen.

But the King thinks I should go back and accept them this time. Confussion rains in my head with the Dr saying that I should have anit-depressants to break the cycle and the Gate-way nurse saying I’m not depressed and do not need them. I have Complex Post trumatic stress and have anxiety disorders appearently – no depression though the drs at the hospital told me I was bordaline with the depression that is common in chronic pain patients.

Who do I believe? What do I do? I hate pumping my body with chemicals plus I have had an iffy reaction to the main one they want to put me on – last time it was proscribed as a pain med – yes they proscrib certian anti-depressants for chronic pain as they are nural supresants (I think if I understtod things correctly!) but I was having it at a very low dose compared with what they prescrib for depression and well – I could not think and it made my anxiety worse!

Oh and I hallucinated on the stuff!

Plus I know many have bad affects on appeitite and I am already huge from the pregnancy and do not wish to get any bigger thankyou very much – vian I know but that is how I feel.

So what to do?

I really do not know – I will struggle on though, I might give them a prod over trying new pain killers again, though they only have very addictive ones left for me to try – sigh.

Self indulgent wine finished – for now.

25 February 2007

So Cold

Even if there was no snow outside I would be this cold, I would shake to the core of my very marrow.

I have been thinking too much agian and learning my old way – to dispise myself and all the mortals within this world. I find myself repeatedly thinking – how did they miss that, why can they not see the consequence of this action?

Again I am struck with the disheartening conclussion – People are STUPID!

It really worries me – especially as it is not the poeple who think they are thick that are the problem – they get on and live their lives as best they can. It’s those that our society thinks are intellegant and successful ie the average manager for a start. They know how to pass exams and they memorise the latest jargon but they are THICK – and to make things worse this they are arragant and self assured in their ablities. This is why things they make tend to fail catastrophically.

As the King says – he would much rather walk over a bridge built by someone who confesses they are not sure on things and are therefore playing it safe by say putting an extra strut in, then a bridge built by someone who thinks the proverbial sun shines out of their arse and that all they do is an instant success.

Our society seems to punish the truely clever and intelligant and creative. Apparence seems to be everything. This saddens me greatly and I do not think there is much I can do about it. What scares me more though is that the worse type of these arragant jargon ‘Boyz’ happen to be running the country!

(Most politicians not singling anybody out here ok)

Now when I was younger I hated the concept of the House of Lords but recent years have given me puse for thought. I no longer see them as the arrogant upper crust (though that is what they would be left to their own devices) I see them as a very important check, balance and stablizer to the House of Commons. They actually go and look at the long term concequences of laws passed instead of all this knee jerk reaction crud that has every body ‘helping’ a terrorist etc…

The thing that has horrified me of late is the number of laws that have slipped through without me noticing. I mentioned this to the King and said I thought everybody should be officially notified of such things via all the different types of media and post etc… He pointed me to the London Gazette.

I can not believe that I had Citizenship classes at school and still no one told me of this! The London Gazette is where things are officially posted all the laws etc… and if you do not know about a law change to object to it them it is considered that this is chosen ignorance on your part for not having read it! But I never even knew this paper existed so how could I choose not to read it?

I doubt many people really know about it at all – plus though they too be have tried to be accessable, the information is all crammed in with all the businesses that have gone bankrupted etc… making it an enourmous read – and it comes out every day!

This is ludicous!

The King only found out about all this about six months ago and for that to be the case they must be trying to keep everyone in the dark but then I’m paranoid.

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