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7 April 2007

Meloncholy

A meloncholy has descended to rest upon my shoulders, heavy and thick and it is threatening to smother me.

Is it becuase of my Moon Time?

Or is it the rememberance of friends lost to me?

This time of year, I feel the memories building within me again, of how I had ment to phone, how I sent the odd postcard but she had phoned on my Birthday as it was that special one for me, my 21st and she had almost been well enough to come, just feeling a little low on energy but things were well – she was in remission.

And then it was Easter and what was I doing? I was supposed to meet up with her the first time in three years, the first time that we could risk it. The first time that she would be out of isolation when I was not too sick to visit.

What did I do? Do I go and see her?

No, no I did not.

I went to a friends party – her 21st and I was supposed to leave first thing the next morning, except I did not. I sat watching the Princess Bride and eating strawberries and drinking champaigne. Why was I still there in that Decadence?

Becuase Birthday Girl was very very sad, the phone call had come that morning saying a close family memeber had passed away, the family memember who had sent her the decadence and none of her flate mates could take her over emotional reaction and I knew that if I left her she would relapse into not eating – something that had almost killed her previously or try and commit suicide when none of her other so called friends would listen to her trying to express her emotions, her grief.

I stayed and I made her meals and I fed her and I hide the fact that the others did not want her at the pub with them and told me where they wer going and her a lie. They told me they could not take her whining anymore and I felt cold.

And then term was upon me again and it was exams, hard and fast coursework a mile high and enough stress to crack a continent. Our course had the policy of working you hard, hard, hard to make up for the slightly lower grades they accepted you with – if you survived the course you should have got A’s at A’level and something obviouslly just went wrong.

So from exams to a gruelling fieldtrip and yet I bought my sick friend a postcard as I always did and the Tuesday I was going to phone her but I hesitated. I had lots to do. I declined the place of drinking and stayed behind on my own on a remote mountian, in the dark with the Pine martin and deer and I kept taking my phone out and looking at it as if it would bite me.

Sighing I went and stood outside, something that I would not normally have done being afraid of the dark. There I felt a strange comfort a female presance probably just my subcouncous trying to comfort me – I felt it was saying things were ok and that I would soon be cared for and looked after and not to worry.

I went back in and wrote the post card to the Candle in the Dark, I told her of the presance I had felt on the mountain and I looked at the postcard and determined to post it the next day and then I slumped down on the floor in the stone kitchen and cried.

But I did not post the card, something prevented me from doing so.

And then I came home and then my Parentals told me that she had died, and I cried and cried and still went to chior rehersal where I cried some more.

I had missed all the funeral and things and her perants obviously did not know of me and to my selfishness I felt forgotten and rejected. I desperatly wanted to see the grave and so I wrote them a letter asking. I cried whilst composing it, sitting on the stairs in my student accomadation.

They only responded when they found my letters and postcards, she had kept them all, they had not known of me I was a strange extra facet they had not known of. She died that Tuesday, I had been so tempted to phone her but if I had then she would not have been on the phone to her perants when her lungs started filling. A secondary infection from were she was so weakened by the treatments.

She had almost made it. She should have made it, she fought so hard, she was everything I am not, pretty, intelligent, caring, brave, talented – do I need to go on?

I miss her, though I feel I was never a proper friend, I should have gone to see her. Did I make the wronge discission that Easter? How can I say?

My friend is gone – her family were in ruins her boyfriend distroyed and I had wasted my chance to see her, baby sitting a suicidal anorexic. But then what choice did I have – what if my other friend had killed herself whilst I was seeing the other?

Its a mess, again and it hurts me deep within. I feel I have somehow failed both especially as I do feel resentement to Birthday Girl and so have grown distant.

And the meloncholy is thick upon me and the dispair of an uncaring universe and a regret that that I never joined the kissing circle and that such a Bright Star is gone.