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10 April 2007

So Alone

I ache inside like there is a me shape whole, and I mean me. I feel there is part of me missing, I always have. I have always searched.

I assumed that finding my lover, my soul mate, would fix this – well I have found him and it did not. Yes I was less loney, he filled the gap that was his shape and so I became more whole but there was never the less a large gaping void within me. Part of it was baby shaped and I longed and longed as always for that one to be filled – the King had a similar whole one which the Lady now fills.

And though there are more baby shaped wholes I realise that they are not going to fill the whole. the one that has always been there, the one that had me talking to an imaginary friend, an imaginary Twin. A twin brother, I craved to be a twin, I would pretend I was and that the twin was a boy and the boy well he had my younger siblings name as it was rightfully his.

So alone…

I would share my food and everything with this twin, a twin who was not there though I can tell you to this day how he would look, if I start to drift to sleep sometimes he is there in the perifery of my vision. He is the only thing my heart screams that would understand, he is me, was me, he is no more – was he ever?

My aunt would shout at me for talking to him and I was told I was wicked and hurting my mother with this stupid game. Hurting my mother how?

Later on I find out, she miscarried my twin, my twin brother, she thought she had miscarried both of us though they only found one baby, one small pathetic little boy, she spent the remainder of the pregnancy in the hospital and I was born slightly prem (I think although getting any information about this has been hard) and underwieght.

My mother was so happy to still have me though I feel that there was also resentment especially later on, that nagging doubt that he would have been smarter and nicer and easier to look after, he would not have got him self into those situations, he would have been capable, he would have been cherished.

And so I found out and so initial not knowing if the other twin had just vanished from the ultra sound like so many do, I panicked – I had The Perfume a Point Horror book at fifteen about a phantom twin closely followed by an Anne McCaffrey book were twins and what can go wronge. I actually went and asked my mother – what had happened, did the other baby come out? I did not want to, I did not want to hurt her but having found references to twins absorbing each other I became fightened.

No he had come out, a little boy. I was releived and sad and the X-files did not help with there Romanian twin horror storyline where the churches would exocise the remainding twin etc…

Do I believe I was/am huanted by my twin? No that would sort of be lovely as well as freaky. No I think that adults must have discuessed this infront of me either whislt I was asleep or before they thought I could comprehend luangage and it seeped through to my subconcoius.

Also it is not unusual for child to want twins, though normally they would be of the same sex. I was so lonely especially after what the Tormentor had done to me, infact as she used to tell me I caused my mother to have miscarriages I would not put it past her to have told me I had killed my twin though obviously this is not a memory in anyway shape or form.

Twins – I feel a coldness when I see them, I feel a longing, I feel so bewildered. Still I do get to speak in unison with my younger sibling and becuase I was so small we went through a phase of being mistaken for twins – though normally two girls much to his chagrin!