You are currently browsing the Vampyra – Queen of the Goths weblog archives for the day Thursday, April 12th, 2007.

12 April 2007

Time for a rethink

The King, ‘I think of us as equal but you don’t.’

‘I do!’

‘No you don’t you always want us to be either Dominant or submissive I want us to just be us.’

‘oh… ‘ this conversation or a varient of, again – I wish I was normal. I am well aware that he kinks it up for me which is why I always feel so guilty and withered inside when this sort of thing comes up. I love the King and I want him to be happy but it is not even like I can return the favour.

One of our earliest conversation – just before I lost my virginity, in fact, went something along the lines of…

Vampyra – ‘Do you have any fantasys?’

The King – ‘Not really,’

‘You must have something surely?’

‘I like making my girlfriend happy so what are your fantasys?’

He likes anal sex with women and thats about it, I feel like I am being really unfair on him in these situations.

He will dress up for me, he will spank me, he will let me spank him, he will sit all day long at his desk in my lacy french knickers for me, he will pretend to me a multitude of archetypes for me – some of which are completely against his nature although he refuses to be too forceful with me and he can not take pain so somethings are out.

He has said he wants to fuck me not some person acting like a hore or a school girl or a man. You would have thought this was an easy request would you not?

But it is not, I seem to have a mental block. Sex as me? Me having sex? Me enjoy sex? NOT GOING TO HAPPEN :'(

I have to be someone else I can not help it. I have a defense now for when he wants it to be us, I pretend in my head but I feel guilty about it, I fill with shame which cuases more than a few problems and if I try and be me doing sex?

I freak out.

I have pushed him away mid thrust, why? Images, memories (what ever the fuck they are they are) appear and I can not even then get relief from my stupid sex drive via masturbation.

And this is also part of the issue the King has with my flavour sex, he feels that he is maybe making things worse for me, reestablishing abusive norms that I have hidden in my past. Since I had the flash backs he has not tied me up has not restrained me properlly.

I feel angry, sad and guilty and yet I like kink and I dont want my past to ruin it for me, having said that it would be nice to enjoy ‘normal’ sex as me, come to that I would like to enjoy the kink as me though I think that the ‘abstact’ kink I do – the King came up with this one and it has resulted in me actually coming!

The King feels he can not satisfy me and that he is somehow letting me down but he is not, he is the most caring and loving of men. He worries about the frustration this must cuase me and again we come back to the notion of me having a boyfriend. He asked in the same conversation why I had stopped trying to meet up with my friend as he would be perfect.

The answer – I am scared, I am a chicken, I can not go and start pulling people! I did not know how to do it whilst single – how am I supposed to do it as a size 16, stretch mark covered, shy, married mother with no social life?

Sigh – Vampyra crawls away back into the quagemire of dispare.