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13 April 2007

The Nature of Pain and My Need of It

I have a need for pain, physicial real pain this is a complex and confusing subject for me.

I am full of rage, full of angst and full of loathing and yet some times I am numb, sometimes the only way I know I am alive is to have the pain – to hold it within the centre of my being – I am the pain, it defines me and there is nothing more to me than that.

Other times I know of it only as a punishment, as if the pain and blood can somehow make things better, somehow cleanse me, somehow make things right.

Then there is the expression of emotion – I have them locked within a tight coil of emotional distress and I do not know how to deal with it, how to cope and so as a small child I hit upon a solution. If I could make the emotional pain into a physical pain – a visible injury then I could watch it heal and it was as if the stress and emotions poured out through the cuts and gashes and then I was ok again.

But there is another side to the pain, a side that takes on for me and the King has a slightly darker purpose, for me there is sometimes (especially when aroused) no distinct boundary between pain and pleasure. An orgasim to me could be either or both – mostly there is just intensity of feeling. I can no longer tell if it is pain or pleasure and therefore one becomes the other and pain begets pleasure and pleasure begets pain and the two are as the flip sides of a coin.

But it does not end there – with the hot wax and the intesnsity of sensation – oh no. There is another factor to my self harm, I want to destroy, I want to inflict pain, I want to fucking smash things up but these things I know to be wronge.

I want release and it has to be in bruises and pain but I can not do this to another surely? And so that leaves me and myself and the blades and the fists and I hurt myself as I can not trust myself not to do it to another most likley the King. And so I hurt myself to protect himfrom the rage and then he cries and he pleads with me to hit him instead and I want to but he hates pain, he is scared of pain, he does not push into it the way I do – it is not intense sensation to him.

How can I do this to him? I get him to thrash me sure and I want to thrash him but it seems so unkind. He is scared of the dark intensity of emotions that surround this so smashing plates and what not does not surffice – it still hurts him becuase he detects the boiling blackened sea of my true mental anguish.

I find my self making him present for punishment but this is more than unfair as is getting him to hurt me. I need it but he fears that he is being used as a tool for self harm the same as blade or flame. I try to explian the different states but they are blurred and confussed and over lapping and I do not understand myself so can not help him to understand.

Then to the last, I like pain, the sharpe instant fading pain but I am in paiin all the time and I do not mean emotionally. I am a chronic pain patient and I hate pain but this is the constant wearing pain the sharp pains, intense and short lived I can live with but the endless aching I can’t – the two combined are slowely driving me insane and are very different to how I percieve the pain conected to my sexual disires and different again from the self harm.

But this agian is not clear – if I can get him to do that it cuases this to do that painfully but the Dr said that was not damaging. During self harm I rarely care about damage during sex I do – I can not explain all of this in fact I am only just addmitting this all to myself as I bash these words out on the keyboard – confussion in another form pours down upon me.