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17 April 2007

Crisis

Yes mortals I am in Crisis – a quarter life crisis apparently and it is CRAP. I am back to the questions of my angstful teenage years, back to trying to discover who/what I am.

I no longer have a goal, my life was all set, I had goals and I had drive. I had plans and I had ambition and grit and determination. I thought qualifications and achivements were the be all and end all but I have them all now.

My life was focused around the concept of must get a degree, I never looked past that point in time, I did not truelly believe that anything was waiting for me there. I did at one point fear that this ment I would commit suicide as I could no longer see my path so I therefore must not exist in that far reaching future – well I’m there now.

And…

I am lost, what was it all for? I mean really, why was I so driven what has it achieved? What do I have to show for it? Yeah a few letters after my name but it did almost kill me and I fill that with a sexual revoltuion in my head that I have waisted my youth being a good girl.

Striving once more to be normal and to fit in when I thought that would all be left behind once I was admitted to the Great Halls of Academia.

Denial to gay friends of my bi-sexuality, shit denial to myself. I only kissed her becuase of the atmosphere – sort of peer pressure honest, I’m not gay! Oh and that time yeah that was a dare! No that time she just kissed me it would have been impolite not to kiss back….

You’re a bit of a masochist really aren’t you?

Me? no hang on a minute I just need to try and have it out with that guy with the pool que…

Sadist then?

What? I don’t worship the devil! (seriously this is what I thought a sadist was at the beginning of uni).

I am as confussed now as then about weather I am a scientist, artist or writer and now I have the added wife and mother bit.

I have no idea were I’m going with things, I want my science career, I want to write, I want to draw and paint, I want to raise my child properlly and have a few more, I want to refind the daring extreme sports girl and the hippy guitarist that is me – but I am screwed up – emotionally twisted beyound recognition to myself as a humand beign. I am also a literal cripple – though this is not currently a visible issue – something that makes things both better and worse and means I have to face the confines this placed upon me.

I am angry and scared and lost, I am hard but brittle and so fragile in the extreme, I fragment, I feel I have no personality I can only define myself in the use I am to others and yet resent this (and no I do not have borderline personality disorder before you ask – apparently its complex post trumatic stress – personally I think I’m just mad).

I am all the things I was brought up not to be, I am weak, I am letting my husband be the main wage earner, I am accused of being a femonazi for giving the Lady boys toys, I am a self harmer, I am a sexual devient, I am bi-sexual and I am stuck in a tiny little back water with people who think that all muslims are people who blow things up and that anarexic girls are stupid and should not be given food in hospital and that there are no poor in this country anymore, oh and people who rant at me for having ripped jeans, who think I am too young, who think that everything I do is wronge becuase I do not come from this area, I do not think like them and I don’t conform to their ideas of how the world should be.

I have a wardrobe full of cloths that I can not ware here, Once again I am hiding who I am and as I do not know who that ‘I’ is, it makes it even harder. I lay here accussed of being soft and communist and many other sundries.

I am torn I want to be respectable and I want to be a wild child and I personally am failing to see why I can’t be both but know that the narrow mindedness that surrounds me threatens to swallow me whole or chew me up and spit me out.

I am put in mind of the lyrics from Tori Amos – She’s been everybody elses girl, maybe one day she’ll be her own.

And yes this is a pointless whining session!

The End