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20 April 2007

Am I a Masochist?

This is a hard question for me – probably.

If you had asked me a few weeks ago I would have said no – when people accused me of it I luaghed at them – I wasn’t one of those. Yes I get my husband to spank me, yes I have a strange relationship with pain but I’m not what I percieved as a masochist.

I got my notions from TV and from the freak shows I watched in the first week of freedom at universaty. I remember craining to see the guy put the meat hook through his manhood, I was exstatic. I thought the reactions of those with me strange as they cringed and looked away. I crained for a better look, I wondered and was disgusted with myself once the show was over and I was laying in my room, roomate snoring gently.

I find that I am not entirely clear on the boundary between sadist and masochist and it is not something I have yet looked at. I was not happy that the person was in pain becuase they did not actually appare to be in pain – they seemed to be enjoying it and that was the part of it for me. I could imagine being them (ok so I don’t have a dick but you know what I mean) I marveled at the fearlessness of them to apppear on stage – to do what I secretly dreamed of in my head.

I am awear that my experiences with childhood torture are lickly to be the root of this but I am currently trying not to dwell on that – I hope with in myself desperatly that my thing for being tied up has nothing to do with what the Tormentor did to me, infact I am pretty sure that a large part of this pre-dates even her efforts at twisting me.

I can not truelly say that I like pain becuase I do not – in fact I hate and loath pain with a passion and wish that there was some other way I could assess my state of being rather than how much pain I feel.

I do not like the pain I feel during self harm sessions though that is not to say that I don’t want it, becuase some times I do. Sometimes the pain is the only real thing I have and sometimes it is the only thing I can feel. This however is not the same as liking it – I want it and I need it but that is the same as say vile medicine or breathing.

Pain for sexual pleasure?

Now this is what I have been dwelling on, can this really be catagorised as pain?

As I said before when I am aroused there ceases to be a distinction between pain and pleasure and one can tip over into the other, so how can this actually be considered the same as the pain people think about in association with say physical injury and discomfort? This is just sensation to me – intense but not bad pain.

So this leaves me with a quondry – Masochists like pain it is what classifies them as such but I hate pain and yet looking at what the mental image my friends have of one, I am most definatly a masochist – I seek out pain for erotic reasons.

I am quiiet honestly confussed.