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27 April 2007

My sexual Revolution

I am under going a sexual revolution, however this is more me discovering the names and subcultures for the way I feel and act rather than just thinking I am a screwed up pervert of some type.

Having said that I never realised that alot of my bedroom play wasn’t ‘normal’ I guess this comes of hanging out with gay men too much oh and people in latex :/

As a gay male friend once said to me – You and the King would be considered normal as a gay couple but becuase you’re hetrosexual you’re seen as kinky.

Strange there should be this divide but in my experience it really does exist.

Sex wise I have a high sex drive – ok look its very very high, ok look I’m a nympho. Ideally I would like to shag three times a day – this doesn’t happen, the King is lovely and buys me sex toys and will piston away at me with his arm. When this became apparent my friends were some what taken aback and thought it was an over reaction to all those celebate years.

However it did not go away. The King has a few sex drive issues of his own unfortunatly in wrong direction meaning that at first I thought there was something wrong with me.

Then I found The Girls blog and suddenly I didn’t seem so strang even if I have only slept with the King. From the Girls blog I found Bitchy Jones now this blogs about as old as mine but is far better writen (you know as in properlly spell checked).

The last few weeks I have been faced with realisations, the stack of erotic litrature I have, all the sexual parifenalia. I sort of only knew these subcultures through late night films and documentarys and * cough * Euro-Trash. I thought I wasn’t part of that world.

This was emensly arragant and stupid of me on two counts – for a start I know many people who own gimp suits, have body modes specifically for sexual reasons (and I don’t mean toungue piercings), I have helped tie people up for their girl friends and have accidently ended up in Fetish clubs (wish I’d realised that what it was whilst there). Secondly what did I actually think within myself of the fact that couldn’t get enough of freak shows and that time in Amsterdam?

At the risk of being even more arrogant I still do not think that any of these specific sub-cultures actually applies to me. But then I’m still finding out. Like the King I like variety though my idea of variety is alot more extreme than his. I don’t know how much of somehting I have to be to be that thing – to wit – I get the King to tie me up and hit me but then I want to do the same to him – I get to hit him but he can’t stand being tied up he panics and its not fair on him.

I don’t really get what I’m feeling or why I am a deviant – I am no where near as extreme as a lot of my friends and the whole process of thinking this stuff through is strange and unuasual for me. I am trying not to be ashamed of yet another aspect of my life but I am going though the realisation that a) my sexual appetite is not normal and b) that it is normal – a contradiction I know.

I am also in a bit of a tizz wozz as my Talking Therapist wants to discuess sexuality with me – I had a nose bleed rather than go to the session :(

the expression of my sexuality has only really come about due to the Kings kindness and understanding. Before I met him I could not face the fact I was bi-sexual let alone the other numerous sexual diviations I encompass in my being.

Now this all seems rather silly and nieve but I was brought up rather religouslly, though one perant was agnostic, as a result anything like this give me emense amounts of guilt and I can’t shake that. Add into this the treatment I recieved as a child from the Tormentor and the Gremlin and I’m not sure I want to look at where my kinks come from.

Something strange has happen though with my Self Harm – the discovery that it is acceptable in some of these sexual cultures and is seen as an erotic thing – has for the time being stopped me from my dially cutting. Why? Will it last?

I think part of the reason is that now when I get stressed about things and need to self harm I end up thinknig of it as an erotic thing and get horney and go off and masturbate instead.

However, this will probably be short lived as solutions of self harm always are.

This blog was about discovering the darker side of me, the un socially acceptable bit the over sexed part of me – its just happing a bit quicker than I can process. My mind is a jumble, I find myself texting select friends and asking to thrash them – to my suprise i have thus far been informed that they have their own equipement and when am I coming round?

I do have concerns about the direction I am going in here but that is something for another post.