You are currently browsing the Vampyra – Queen of the Goths weblog archives for July, 2007.

18 July 2007

French Knickers and He Hate Pain >:(

I love my three pairs of french lace knickers that fit into your butt crack and look like lacy fitted shorts that emthasis the curves of your bottom – when I was a size ten I loved to wear them and prance around infront of the King until he shagged me. I do not wear them now but I do occasionally get the King to wear them.

On this occassion I had built up the whole thing and was very excited I made him wear the blue pair and they looked so lushious there over his sculpted little arse. Then I took his belt and made him bend over, I reached round and felt him in the lace, felt the way it stretched over his dick, felt the texture and loved him so much.

I hit him with his belt – lovely plated leather and begain to get really excited but then I cuaght his testicle and the sod curled up in pain and would not play anymore and I loved him in those knickers and now he is saying its their fualt becuase of where the seam is!

I’ve offered to get him some proper male lacy knickers with room for the necassery but he has refused them aswell – I am not happy about this especially as he recons he really, really hates pain all the time at the moment.

Vampyra goes off to sulk or maybe to masturbate thinking on what he looked like in the knickers.

17 July 2007

Sabotarge

I am being paranoind my dear mortals – really paranoid but it feels to me as if my writing and painting efforts are being sabotarged at every oppurtunity!

Not by the King who has gone out of his way and done more for me on this count than he probably should have but by others – ok – thats face it the Haridians, mainly my Maternal Unit and the Walking Skeleton.

What with phoning me up and slating everything I do when they know I am trying to work and letting themselves and cats in to stomp over my drying pictures! I am going insane.

Most recently – I had sorted out a balance transfere thing to make paying my credit cards easier and had to post the form and decided that the post box at the pub was only a little further than the one in the villiage and I could sit and recover form the the walk back and get some writing done.

So I put the Lady down for her afternoon nap and made sure the King didn’t have his music on so he could hear her and that I had my phone and off trotted. I managed it with only being slightly out of breath and begain to write really well – I got an entire chapter writen, phoned the King to check that the Lady was still asleep and settled to write the second when I get a txt from him proclaiming that the Walking Skeleton had just informed him that the guy to repair the window was coming.

So I had to quaff my fizzy beaverage and hurry home – in doing so I managed to make myself really sick and was therefore useless for the rest of the day and the guy didn’t even turn up!

I know this one was just coincidence but its sometimes just feels like they are trying to sabotarge me :(

16 July 2007

Confussion of Self Harm

Fury and frustration fill me where caring understanding should be, leaving me confussed and stressed and feeling like the biggest most pathetic hypocrit in the world, neigh the multiverse!

My friend posted about her self harm on her blog so open and graffic and most of all with pictures. I felt sorry for her knowing that she was just desperatly trying to show the world how much she is hurting inside but how can anything done that way be seen anything other than attention seeking?

And this leads me to the fact that I am a hypocrit – I have this blog and I scream about my self harm all the time and describe what I have done and why on here – I do this in a attempt to see the patterns of triggers and what works to stop me and what doesn’t but as she started by commenting on how she wasn’t like those ’emos’ I felt sick and annoyed with her – how dare she assume – she who has plastered pictures of what she has done on her public non-annonamous blog, say that those peoples pain is nothing compared to hers!

And this leads me on to being even more of a hypocrit – I hate the fact that she has done this becuase she is declairing this so publicly and getting lots of sypathy and reaction were as I have hid mine away. The King and the three people I’ve actually told about this blog are all that know of its existance (from my non-electronic world) and my own version of stupidity.

Plus I looked at her pictures and thought in the most self loathing and hateful way – they are pathetic, I always thought my own cuts ect… were the shallow end of the self harm spectrum but even my least bad stuff was worse than what she had photographed and this made me so angry for some reason.

Now I feel so bad about this becuase I know full well that the severity of the physical wound has no bearing on how badly the person is actually feeling. The King actually told me that this was what she had done and made a mistake in that he compared her to me – he was shocked that she had just announced it like that when I have enough trouble letting him deal with my wounds, he also made the mistake of pointing out that her life isn’t actually that bad at the moment – again this can have little effect on what you do as a self harmer once triggered – now the more stressful your life becomes obviosly for me the more triggers there are but that is not necasserily the case for all.

I resent her deeply for being able to be so open in many ways as my main problem is that I can not express myself and I feel bad and dirty and ashamed of the thing that brings me such emense release and punishment and sense of still existing.

Some bits of her post read as me, I could have writen them but others did not – mainly I think becuase she does have borderline personality disorder and/or bi-polar and OCD and somehting else that I can never remember and she is a dramitist, that is why people either love her or hate her.

I don’t really know how to deal with this – I am trying to be a carm, attentive, helpful and caring friend whilst seething with loathing and jelousy within.

I feel as well that she has made self harmers lives everywhere just that little bit more difficult – it is seen by the general public as ‘attention seeking’ behaviour and yet most self harmers never show their wounds and tell no one. I only ended up with the Dr discovering things becuase I had the marks still when I went for an examination for an operation, I was devastated when the surgeon found the marks – I thought I’d done so well in concelling them. I had hidden this for over 20 years and I am only 26. But there is a monority who have self harm mixed up with their personality disorder who do use it as attention seeking behaviour and they are the ones everyone sees the ones that the bench mark is taken from – manipulative over acting.

Now this in itself is harsh becuase I realise that they need help just as much and just becuase it is done for affect doesn’t mean it should be treated anymore lightly – infact it may even be more dangerous to them in the long run as their scense of checks and balances is going to be even more skewed and they desperatly need help like anyone who selfharms – this however has not stopped me being so annoyed and angry with her.

I have given her advice and asked for the photos to be removed as they are a possible trigger for others. I want to be there for my friend but yet again resentful anger has me seething.

15 July 2007

Necro-Tendensies III

I’ve done even more thinking on this subject and realise that the whole death issue does have an attraction for me but it is a very confussed one – it is linked to suicide which is a very difficult matter and one I feel wronge for writting about as it is not yet a year since my friend died.

But I went out with an ex who would threaten to kill himself if I left and though I could not cope with this at the time the concept itself has a huge pull on me – stories like Romeo and Juliet – lovers dying for each other – this is what I see. Or with furthure analysis of my own stories the man knowing that they will die if they commit a certain act such as seducing the anti-heroine but they want her, need her, adore her so much that they do it anyway. This isn’t a gender thing for me either – one of the most compelling stories I remember from my teens was the Lady of Shallot.

Her love and obsession for her knight, a knight who knew not even of her existance lead her to a desperate act just to glimsp him once though she knew that it would result in her demise. It is this that I see the erotasism in and not the killing aspect. The fact that my oen anti-heroine kills heartlessly? Well it makes a better story.

Ok so I don’t really know I’m just writing what comes into my head with this stuff – its nagging at me so here I am spewing it out onto the page.

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