You are currently browsing the Vampyra – Queen of the Goths weblog archives for the day Thursday, July 5th, 2007.

5 July 2007

Not a Proper Job

My Marternal Unit communicated with me via the talking bone and thus she informed me that my poem was crap becuase it did not rhyme – infact that it was no poem at all. Then she went on to demand to know the break down of our financies – I wouldn’t mind if it was too lend me money to sort things out but no it is just too tell me I must have made a mistake and she’ll redo all the calculations.

Then to my new job/contract/comission (not sure what to call it), she started off umming and ahhing about it and then she asks how much I am getting. I find myself explaining royalties and that I wanted them rather than a flate rate but her response to this?

‘Well if you are not getting paid properlly its not a proper job is it.’

Not a proper job? Oh yes thats right anything I do that is creative is a waste of time – so sorry I forgot that there for just a minute and I thought I might actually be able to scrape back my life. Well at least she can not hide my paints anymore or ban papier mache or the such like anymore.

I am wasting my time according to her – my websites, my writing, my drawing my music all of it, no purhapse I can not save humanity in the same way as the scientist in me could – but I CAN’T Do that stuff at the moment so what is the point of freting about it, should I langish away doing nothing at all becuase I can not be a top scientist??

Or should I be out crippling myself furthure doing jobs the dr has said will make things worse? I’ve found something that I can do – mostly at the home with the Lady and King and it is fun and I am mixing art and technology even if it is just that arty people are scared of Geeks and feel more at ease telling me what they want from the technology – functional and pretty rather than one or the other which is all they’ve found previously!

But why do I have to be striving towards a greater agender – why do I need to think of everything I do in terms of success? Her critasism is on par with the Ancestor who tells me my paintings for the Lady are inaccurate – jelly fish are not white they are transparent and what is all this nonsence with faces and glasses on crabs?

FUCK OFF!

I hide my pictures from the world firstly thinking they were something to be ashamed off as they are a waste of time and then thinking they were no good but things have changed – I need to paint and draw and make things and I sent letters rich in doodles to the Shining Light whilst she was sick and when I later went to her grave her mother and father made me feel like those pictures had help and they said they were good and so with the Kings help and the Talking Therapist I have been exploring this repressed side of myself with suprising results.

My mother once said to me – ‘why bother doing what you’re naturally good at – there is no challenge and it is a waste of time you will just get lazy.’

I am so angry now when I think of this and I marvel slightly that my Father still persavered and regullay bought me paints and paint brushes and ignored the fact that I was making papier mache mountains and volcanoes at night under my bed.

I had a chance to go to art college – I gave it up to become a scientist and I still want to be that scientist but I am the artist too – how dare she say that it is not a proper job – if I get money for it and put time in then it is a job and as for her accusation that the websites are just me imitating the King – I can only say that he is not a web designer he is a programmer but she has no concept of the difference nor does she comprehend that I am trying to bring in income too.

I wish they would leave me alone – last time I was painting lots the Walking Skeleton a.k.a the Ancestor let herself and the cats in and proceeded to walk over all the pictures I had drying on the floor and I heared her knocking and I explained that there were pictures drying on the floor – but what I do what I creat or accumplish is yet again as nothing in the eyes of these Haridens.

I am so fed up.