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14 July 2007

Necro-Tendensies II

I have continued to think upon this and have come to the conclusion that it is definatly the undead killing aspect – were they then become a vampire or some such that I like and only occassionally would I want to be the perpitrator of this on fatasy worlds were imortality etc… actually exists.

I find the idea of being tied up and pokes with things, lashed with things etc… very sexy but that is two fold – I like this done to me and would like to it – so it is only natural that that would turn up writ large in fantasy senarios. However what I don’t like and makes me feel sick and nuaseas is the ‘Hostel’ concept where people are actually maimed and cut to death etc… For a start it is making the body unwhole and I just don’t like that plus there is nothing there that I find sexual I just find it scary.

I think that part of the problem is that I fear myself – I am nervous about ever finding anyone who’ll actually let me hit them hard for the same reason I am scared of my self harm. There is an angry -very angry core to me that has been know to flip much to the shock of the school bully and much to the shock of the poor guy who tried to seduce me in freshers week (I panicked and bit him hard becuase he refused to get off of me).

I have a friend who when we were in Halls together at Uni we’d have ‘play’ fights in the middle of the night – there was also a sort of ‘Fight Club’ thing going on as well which stemed from this.

We would become so intense with this and so absorbed in our scirmishes that we didn’t notice how much we were hurting each other. Now I was small – not even five ft and about size 10-12 at the time and he was quiet a chunky bloke and he was trying to hurt me. His friends would watch and try and decide when to interviene so I wouldn’t get killed. They never did and it was always him who ended up reeling away in pain.

I was both scared and exhilerated by this but the main thing is that I have this dark destructiveness within that I had been trying to deny and bury and it came out in uncontrolled bursts – mainly aimed at myself. I fear this and would never want to inflict pain on someone in that condition again as I feel it is dangerous.

But one of the things I have noticed is that I prefer the concept of inflicting injury and pain like this in a fair fight rather than him being tied up – I love the concept of being restrained as well but I think its the restraint I like rather than the hitting in that context – I’m starting to think I just like fighting to be honest – it always seemed so pure some how. These are not right thoughts and I am being highly disturbed by them.

Sigh – I think I’m going to stick to my lovely vampires and zombis.