You are currently browsing the Vampyra – Queen of the Goths weblog archives for the day Monday, July 16th, 2007.

16 July 2007

Confussion of Self Harm

Fury and frustration fill me where caring understanding should be, leaving me confussed and stressed and feeling like the biggest most pathetic hypocrit in the world, neigh the multiverse!

My friend posted about her self harm on her blog so open and graffic and most of all with pictures. I felt sorry for her knowing that she was just desperatly trying to show the world how much she is hurting inside but how can anything done that way be seen anything other than attention seeking?

And this leads me to the fact that I am a hypocrit – I have this blog and I scream about my self harm all the time and describe what I have done and why on here – I do this in a attempt to see the patterns of triggers and what works to stop me and what doesn’t but as she started by commenting on how she wasn’t like those ’emos’ I felt sick and annoyed with her – how dare she assume – she who has plastered pictures of what she has done on her public non-annonamous blog, say that those peoples pain is nothing compared to hers!

And this leads me on to being even more of a hypocrit – I hate the fact that she has done this becuase she is declairing this so publicly and getting lots of sypathy and reaction were as I have hid mine away. The King and the three people I’ve actually told about this blog are all that know of its existance (from my non-electronic world) and my own version of stupidity.

Plus I looked at her pictures and thought in the most self loathing and hateful way – they are pathetic, I always thought my own cuts ect… were the shallow end of the self harm spectrum but even my least bad stuff was worse than what she had photographed and this made me so angry for some reason.

Now I feel so bad about this becuase I know full well that the severity of the physical wound has no bearing on how badly the person is actually feeling. The King actually told me that this was what she had done and made a mistake in that he compared her to me – he was shocked that she had just announced it like that when I have enough trouble letting him deal with my wounds, he also made the mistake of pointing out that her life isn’t actually that bad at the moment – again this can have little effect on what you do as a self harmer once triggered – now the more stressful your life becomes obviosly for me the more triggers there are but that is not necasserily the case for all.

I resent her deeply for being able to be so open in many ways as my main problem is that I can not express myself and I feel bad and dirty and ashamed of the thing that brings me such emense release and punishment and sense of still existing.

Some bits of her post read as me, I could have writen them but others did not – mainly I think becuase she does have borderline personality disorder and/or bi-polar and OCD and somehting else that I can never remember and she is a dramitist, that is why people either love her or hate her.

I don’t really know how to deal with this – I am trying to be a carm, attentive, helpful and caring friend whilst seething with loathing and jelousy within.

I feel as well that she has made self harmers lives everywhere just that little bit more difficult – it is seen by the general public as ‘attention seeking’ behaviour and yet most self harmers never show their wounds and tell no one. I only ended up with the Dr discovering things becuase I had the marks still when I went for an examination for an operation, I was devastated when the surgeon found the marks – I thought I’d done so well in concelling them. I had hidden this for over 20 years and I am only 26. But there is a monority who have self harm mixed up with their personality disorder who do use it as attention seeking behaviour and they are the ones everyone sees the ones that the bench mark is taken from – manipulative over acting.

Now this in itself is harsh becuase I realise that they need help just as much and just becuase it is done for affect doesn’t mean it should be treated anymore lightly – infact it may even be more dangerous to them in the long run as their scense of checks and balances is going to be even more skewed and they desperatly need help like anyone who selfharms – this however has not stopped me being so annoyed and angry with her.

I have given her advice and asked for the photos to be removed as they are a possible trigger for others. I want to be there for my friend but yet again resentful anger has me seething.