You are currently browsing the Vampyra – Queen of the Goths weblog archives for March, 2009.

29 March 2009

I am Tangled inside

I wanted to be me, I wanted to express myself. But I have failed and taken myself to a dangerous place, needlessly exposing myself.

I am tired of hiding and mean everything about me the shelf harm, the anger, the hatred for human beings in genral, the sexial devience – the darker non-safe aspects of my personality. I can’t seperate them anymore I want to shout at people for being so blind so stupid and yet fear my voice may betray me.

Why so worried, what would I loose?

I feel (weather rightly or wrongly) that I would loose my family, respect from friends, the community I have to live in would mostly ostrocize me (and this is a definate) and of this happened I would have no reason to act normal – no reason not to lock myself away and just write horrid dark depression self absorb shit – no reason to not paint endless nightmare on canvas that can never be sold and would send me deeper within myself.

Vampire girl informs me I’m a rational – like her, her husband and the King and therefore I primarily exist in my mind – feeling sick with not knowing who I am again. Feeling the worry that I am not a real person.

I have become very triggered and am not sure how I’m going to not do the stupidness that I always eventually do to cope.

27 March 2009

Gentle Probing My Boundaries

I met up with some old friend whilst in the Capital and was having a good time, no a fantastic time – I feel so isolated here sometimes and I dream of socialisation but alas I can not have that not now.

My male compatriate joked lots about me trying to get him in bed with the King and then my friend Vampire Girl as I shall refer to her made a statement in response to something he said about me. “Vampyra’s not gay!” she announce hotly and he coughed and left to get us more drinks. Then she turns to me and says, ‘well your not right?’

I became tongue tied and shrugged and paniced and blushed and then said I didn’t know what I was.

She then lean forward and said she thought she was bi but wasn’t sure.

Then our male compatriate left about the time Vampire Girls brother and his possibly boyfriend arrived. At this juncture I did not realise this link and being me was being loud and vocal about their leather coats and chains they wore. My male compatraite announced my desire for men together and then promptly left.

I think I need to wite a seperate account of them to my situation with my friend or else this post will be come as confusing as my life.

Vampire girl got me pouring my heart out, about how this has been tugging on me so for the last few months especially, it was before that but recently the fact I can not be open with anyone other than the King, that he is the only person who sees all fascets makes me sad.

I am a ‘goody two shoes’ and a rampent nympho who can’t deside between men or women. I like people it never has mattered weather they are male or female.

I love buetiful people and I love certain personalities and I wish to make myself whole instead of this fractured mess with bits missing where I’ve crumbled.

But I spent so long being bullied at school, by someone who it later turned out was bisexual and who’s feelings towards me were fucked up as her liking me ment that somehow the gayness was eminating from me. And I suppose part of me feared this. Then at the Halls of Education I found myself once more being mistaken for a lesbian and hating and loving it. But fighting it.

I love men, I really do I just find them so beuatiful but as was rightly and repeatedly pointed out I’m attracted mostly to effeminate men, ones who are often themselves mistaken for women. Beuaful scultped elves. High check bones and compeling eyes. With people ramming it down my throat that this ment I was bi I shied away from looking at that side of myself.

There is a certain look that I crave and I don’t care weather they are male or female but there is something else – sometimes I want to be being touch by women and sometimes I don’t – sometimes the thought of it repels me – normally around the accussed moon cycle time. But I go through similar phases with men.

I am just odd I think.

What is not helping me is that I live in an area where people are not as tolerant as they should be and my mode of dress often cuases critasism, it is a small communitee and the Little Lady does not need sigma I wraught.

So what am I supposed to do?

And there is an issue that I am married. I have already managed to alienate myself from the ‘local’ lesbian scene though this might have had more to do with trying to pull a cute ‘boy’ whilst being married who turned out to be a militant man hating lesbian – sigh.

I’ve been hiding more from my female ‘straight’ friends I suppose and this make me very unhappy and I know that in this day and age its not supposed to be a big deal but I feel it is and I’m really confussed.

Of course part of the problem may lay in the fact that I had just ‘discovered’ that I really did like women and had just been stung rather badly when the King reappeared in my life and then the next thing I knew I was married and then a mother and that part of me that had just been set free was sort of left pathetic and mewing but not back in its box.

One of the things thats been worrying me is that I ogal women – I really do and I feel I shouldn’t and feel ashamed and dirty and awful and like everbody was right – but I mustn’t think like that or I start the stupidness again and that wont help anybody.

I’m sort of glad Vampire Girl asked me and that she then explained she didn’t think any less of me and stuff and gave examples of other friends who had struggled with ‘coming out’ but part of me is going how can a married women ‘come out’ and that sounds alot grander than what is going on and once again I am just making huge crises out of nothing plus am I not a little old to be having all this termoil?

I’m in the later part of my third decade upon this planet so how comes I boil with emotions that belong to the second decade of life?

I’m just so confused dear mortals :(

21 March 2009

Hiding Still

I am ashamed of myself my dear mortals, afraid of what the world would make of me if I was truelly to reviel what I am in fullness. I fear ostrizisation from a commuty I am bearly tolorated in when I am on ‘good’ behaviour.

Why does it matter to me? Why can I not be brave and show all my faces, all my facets to everyone?

The hiding and repressing are making me sick of mind once more and I do not want that to happen – I have been doing so well. But it pulls at me, my sexual behavour appalls me and excites me and I haven’t even managed to do anything that interesting but if I think about it – think of how easy I now masturbate. How I whisper to my King about all the fantasies that swerl within my mind I feel wronge, I feel warped and twisted and the King in trying to help has made me feel worse.

He says I am looking for something or subconcously trying to compensate for something with the sex but the sex doesn’t quiet fit and so I am only partially saticfied and so keep trying becoming more and more sexual.

I am over sexed in the first place.

What am I though? I don’t even have a ‘sexuality’ to come out about and so I feel alone, the King says I’m gay/bisexual and then says I’m just horney and am not really anything and I get confussed.

Sometimes I want sex but can nto stand him touching me which is not fair on him, he is always lovely about it but I feel bad. I have been having so many issues with sex of late – my breasts have become a no go zone due to stupid flash backs not leaving me alone – I hate it I really do.

I bury myself within fantsies as that they only way I can cope with sex and I want sex – need sex and lots of it – it bizar and stupid and the King has accendently cuased me to relaspe into a way of thinking I thought I had got rid off. My sexulness, my needs are something wronge, twisted, a mental illness, they take what should be pure and make them dirty and I like that but now its making me feel dirty and I want to scour my skin of with steel wool. I want to enjoy sex with out that little voice at the back of my mind telling me I’m sick, saying that I wouldnt like all this crap if I hadn’t been abused. I dont want my base disired to be tainted by that – so much of my life has been tainted I want the memory erased but it wont go it hangs there like a becon in the back of my mind and often when fucking I have to metal fight myself from letting it surface and wigging me out.

I wish I was brave and I wish I could say – I like women, I like men and I especially like men who look like women – but I can’t I get close to it if I feel the company is receptive to this sort of talk but everyone tends to think I am joking and I suppose I probably am a lot of the time but the essence of it is not a joke. Most of the people I spent my life surrounded by though are intollerant to the point of having appaplexy when I deyed my hair for charity. When I braided my hair many did not speak to me and I feel watched and judged and I feel the danger of attracting stigma in the place I am supposed to life for my who life.

Then there is my family – I just can’t even begin to imaging the arguments and being told I am stupid that would result if I even hinted at not being ‘normal’ in the sexual department – not hating sex with my ‘man’ has already got them looking at me funny.

I don’t get it and I dont get my own reactions to things and I feel traped pretending to be something I am not.

20 March 2009

Erotic Writings of the Mind

I am afraid that I am keeping the small hours company once again and though I should be resting my unfortunalty broken body I am instead writing. I have been dweliing on my erotic fantascies recently, on the worlds and complicated societies I create in order to masturbate myself to sleep at night. I had been so desturbed by the intricascy and vibrancy of them that I confessed them to the King and told me it is becuase I am creative and that I am basically a writer – this is what I have been doing – creating stories out senorios so why should my erotic dealings be any different.

I am coming up with somthing new and interesting nearly every week – something fresh to excite me so why not write about it? Before this masterpiece of a blog was so rudely interupted by natural cataclism I was attempting to write down some of the more interesting dreams I was having with the idea of keeping them as story ideas in the future and as a way to analys myself. I was also starting to write down some of my fantacies and found that this helps to control that annoying little habit of mine of turning myself into a striated mess.

These fantasies are bits of me that I have pushed down deep and sometimes they are painfull at first, but I love them. I love masturbating to the vibrant imagery of my mind, imagining bueatiful people fucking, clade in entire wardrobes I have designed and designed well to be erotic and provocative in nature.

I had also written several peices of erotica – most about lesbians bizarlly though the King says this is becuase that is the part I am laking – I have a man with whom I can fuck and I even have my harem of cybersex/phone sex minions but they are all men (ok well all two of them). Two of these pieces i had specifically writen to send to an erotic imprint but found that I never sent them off – too worried and embarrassed over my fertile and filthy mind.

But I have spent the last few fever hightened nights pondering upon this and wondered if I should just give in a write more erotic stories – I have been struggling with my sexuality again for sometime and this seems to help – this hashing it all out on the page. So I looked up the ones I could remember and though I have failed to find the lesbian travel erotica I did find the scifi and fantasy people and they have several lots of submissions open for ebooks at the moment – they do not pay very well but they do pay and I need to flush this stuff out of my system.

The sort of senarios they propose are exactly what I have been fantasising about so much as well which is good – there are also the only publishers who have said in response to my enquiry that which I believe most strongly to be true – the word count is determined by the story – this is somehting I have always felt and have argued in writing groups about. My stories are always natural lengths and trying to force them to be anything else stagenates them. I am so pleased with this response that I started writing imeediatly.

I am still writing and have done two sex scenses that are basically within the computer as it programmes a pleasure cyborge. I am having much fun – I had to cough stop for a quick flick of the bean as it were but have been otherwise continously writing.

one issue I do have with this is that I am sick, as in ill and I am having more trouble than normal with spellign and word order which is a pain so I just hope its actually all going to be understandable when I come to the editing stage.

This first one I’m working on has to be done by the 1 May but I think that is doable – the others are due in april but I will just have to see what I get done. I am hoping I can get over the embarrassement factor and actually submit this time.

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