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20 June 2009

And so it again…

And so my dear mortals I am signed off officially with depression and the Dr agrees we need to look at the under laying cuase rather than fliting from one crisis to another. And I feel plagued as my past crashes down at me at night when I try to sleep thought of what happened and how it feeds into my behaviour.

This is not a comftable place to be – I don’t want to think of my sexual tastes coming for that which happened so long ago and to a small me. It shouldn’t matter still but it does. It so does.

I have have had to reappear on the shelf harm forum though have managed not to succumb but with the King not here alot of the time it is getting harder – only the thought of what the Little Lady would learn from that prevents me. I allow the cat to nead me with sharp claws enough to mark and wonder if that counts as self harm?

I am hating who I am and feeling a crushing failure. Being on my own with the little lady has shown me how dependent I am – I can’t fucking feed myself if the food is in a tin. And I am so scared, so so scared of ending up weak and helpless like just after the birth of ending up back in the wheeled monstrosity not able to lift my new born.

Where the fuck is the future I worked so hard for at the Great Halls of Learning – can anyone tell me?

I am angry too, angry with myself, angry at the King, angry at the Walking Skeleton and at the Maternal Unit, angry at society and angry at academia, angry at the Drs who said I was fine to go back only for me to fall again, angry at the world and angry at luck.