Chaos and Confussion

Dear mortals even though most of you have forgotten that I exist I have unfortunatly not forgotten that I exist and have been living in a form of hell known as Bedlem – Chaos has reigned upon this fair queen and she is tired.

But more than that I fear I am loosing myself, I have not self harms for well over a year now but the pressure of it is always there as steel rose in the back of my mind as life piles up angish around me. The golden autum that normally is my favourite season was yet again rent by the death of a friend and one who I had loved though I doubt he ever felt anything but friendship.

I do not yet have the strength to write and purge myself of these feelings that surround him. The King as always is gentle and understanding and hugs me and kisses me and fucks me as he knows how I need it.

And still I feel split, I feel I am hiding again, that I am imprissioning a part of me, and it is fighting tooth and claw to escape – these last few weeks my sexuallity has also been tugging at me as my thoughts become wierder and my fantascies invite alien anatomies and rendure stories out of the oldest tales.

I am also still arguing with myself as to weather I am Bisexual and I think I know that I am but it doesn’t matter as the female ‘gay scene’ have been nothing but hostile in away I would never have expected. It appears its alright for straight women they fancy to go to ‘their’ clubs but its not alright for me and this hurts, so if I had hidden within my married completely – would I have been accepted?

I never even said anything about my sexuality they assumed one thing and then I wasn’t but I don’t know how all of this is supposed to work and I am so scared that being open will result in being ostrasized where I live by my family and the Little Lady will be going to school soon and I can’t do that to her.

I feel sick thinking on this, and I spoke with people in poly relationships which makes me crave things all the more – I suppose the problem is that I am greedy. I have the King and I love him but somehow I am drawn to want more, to taste others, to have more than one person in the room with me.

My house is full of the Parentals as well and between them, the Village and the Walking skeleton I do not feel safe in pouring myself onto the laptop screen, I can not write with emunity – and I need this, this is my sanctuary.

This entry was posted on Wednesday, March 11th, 2009 at 9:34 am and is filed under Chaotic Music. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.

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