Gentle Probing My Boundaries

I met up with some old friend whilst in the Capital and was having a good time, no a fantastic time – I feel so isolated here sometimes and I dream of socialisation but alas I can not have that not now.

My male compatriate joked lots about me trying to get him in bed with the King and then my friend Vampire Girl as I shall refer to her made a statement in response to something he said about me. “Vampyra’s not gay!” she announce hotly and he coughed and left to get us more drinks. Then she turns to me and says, ‘well your not right?’

I became tongue tied and shrugged and paniced and blushed and then said I didn’t know what I was.

She then lean forward and said she thought she was bi but wasn’t sure.

Then our male compatriate left about the time Vampire Girls brother and his possibly boyfriend arrived. At this juncture I did not realise this link and being me was being loud and vocal about their leather coats and chains they wore. My male compatraite announced my desire for men together and then promptly left.

I think I need to wite a seperate account of them to my situation with my friend or else this post will be come as confusing as my life.

Vampire girl got me pouring my heart out, about how this has been tugging on me so for the last few months especially, it was before that but recently the fact I can not be open with anyone other than the King, that he is the only person who sees all fascets makes me sad.

I am a ‘goody two shoes’ and a rampent nympho who can’t deside between men or women. I like people it never has mattered weather they are male or female.

I love buetiful people and I love certain personalities and I wish to make myself whole instead of this fractured mess with bits missing where I’ve crumbled.

But I spent so long being bullied at school, by someone who it later turned out was bisexual and who’s feelings towards me were fucked up as her liking me ment that somehow the gayness was eminating from me. And I suppose part of me feared this. Then at the Halls of Education I found myself once more being mistaken for a lesbian and hating and loving it. But fighting it.

I love men, I really do I just find them so beuatiful but as was rightly and repeatedly pointed out I’m attracted mostly to effeminate men, ones who are often themselves mistaken for women. Beuaful scultped elves. High check bones and compeling eyes. With people ramming it down my throat that this ment I was bi I shied away from looking at that side of myself.

There is a certain look that I crave and I don’t care weather they are male or female but there is something else – sometimes I want to be being touch by women and sometimes I don’t – sometimes the thought of it repels me – normally around the accussed moon cycle time. But I go through similar phases with men.

I am just odd I think.

What is not helping me is that I live in an area where people are not as tolerant as they should be and my mode of dress often cuases critasism, it is a small communitee and the Little Lady does not need sigma I wraught.

So what am I supposed to do?

And there is an issue that I am married. I have already managed to alienate myself from the ‘local’ lesbian scene though this might have had more to do with trying to pull a cute ‘boy’ whilst being married who turned out to be a militant man hating lesbian – sigh.

I’ve been hiding more from my female ‘straight’ friends I suppose and this make me very unhappy and I know that in this day and age its not supposed to be a big deal but I feel it is and I’m really confussed.

Of course part of the problem may lay in the fact that I had just ‘discovered’ that I really did like women and had just been stung rather badly when the King reappeared in my life and then the next thing I knew I was married and then a mother and that part of me that had just been set free was sort of left pathetic and mewing but not back in its box.

One of the things thats been worrying me is that I ogal women – I really do and I feel I shouldn’t and feel ashamed and dirty and awful and like everbody was right – but I mustn’t think like that or I start the stupidness again and that wont help anybody.

I’m sort of glad Vampire Girl asked me and that she then explained she didn’t think any less of me and stuff and gave examples of other friends who had struggled with ‘coming out’ but part of me is going how can a married women ‘come out’ and that sounds alot grander than what is going on and once again I am just making huge crises out of nothing plus am I not a little old to be having all this termoil?

I’m in the later part of my third decade upon this planet so how comes I boil with emotions that belong to the second decade of life?

I’m just so confused dear mortals :(

This entry was posted on Friday, March 27th, 2009 at 2:32 pm and is filed under The Abyss is Looking at Me. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.

3 Responses to “Gentle Probing My Boundaries”

  1. The King Says:

    Don’t be confused!

    For a start, abandon all notions of Right and Wrong. Christianity tries to force Right and Wrong into everything people do, as a means of control – but different people have different ideas of Right and Wrong.

    Personally, I go for the model of enlightened self interest (ESI), because it doesn’t require any external “just because” statements: enlightened self interest states that doing what’s best for myself is Right, but that I should think carefully before doing things that benefit myself at the cost of others, since there is often a much better result to be had by helping other people to make the world a better place for myself to live in (not least because helping other people makes them realise I’m a useful person to have around so they should look after me, too).

    Now, what does this have to do with sex?

    What attitude to sex ultimately benefits me, in the end?

    Well, it suggests that I shouldn’t go around raping people: for a start, I find struggling a bit of a distraction from the sex itself; getting my cock into your arse is fiddly enough with your cooperation – it’d be pretty much impossible with an unwilling participant! Plus raping people is physically dangerous (I might get hurt!), and might get me locked up, and a world in which more people are living in fear of rape will overally be a less fun world for me to live in. So, ESI suggests I should only perform sex acts with consenting people.

    Also, ESI has some hints on which consenting people I should have sex with; even if a geeky girl with curly black hair, wearing a short skirt and no knickers, was on her knees begging me to fuck every hole in her body, I’d consider how you’d feel if I did – if you were standing there watching with a big grin on your face I’d figure you wouldn’t mind, but if it looked like you’d be jealous or otherwise upset, then it wouldn’t be worth it; your happiness is worth more to me than any orgasm. And if I felt that she wasn’t taking the effects of her actions on others into account – perhaps if she had a jealous boyfriend she was failing to consider the needs of – I wouldn’t either, because I have a vested interest in the happiness of the average person (but if her boyfriend was an enemy of mine for some reason, it’d be a different matter!)

    But, then given that consent is mutual and nobody will be hurt, anything goes. I just then need to worry about who will find out. Luckily, in our society, sex is generally perfectly legal as long as nobody’s being raped; there’s some problems with the definition of consent that makes life hard for under-16s, but now I’m well over 16 myself that’s not a problem for me in practice; but, yes, I still need to think about social stigma.

    But this isn’t a big problem. I generally only want to discuss sex with people I might actually have sex with (or in the presence of, at least) – I have no desire or need to tell my work colleagues, or our neighbours, about what I do (or would like to do) in bed. This doesn’t mean I’m hiding anything, since my sex life just doesn’t overlap with my work life or the majority of my social life.

    You are much more liberated than most people: look back at that afternoon in the pub, joking with a gay couple about how much you’d like to watch them in bed – if I, a man, told a lesbian couple I’d love to watch them in bed, it would quite likely be considered crass and insensitive, because there is a long tradition of men thinking that ‘lesbians’ are objects for their sexual amusement, which has caused many women to resent that concept.

    So the issue is, perhaps, not that society is repressing your sexuality – or that you need to feel any ‘guilt’ about what you’re into – but that society is uncomfortable with people talking about their sexuality outside of contexts where it’s considered appropriate. Going back to enlightened self interest, but now looking at talking about sex rather than doing it, and considering that some people find hearing about the sexual desires of others discomforting – if they find that particular sex act upsetting, or if they find themselves the object of another’s desires that they do not share, perhaps – ESI suggests that if I want people to be comfortable near me I need to avoid saying things they won’t enjoy hearing.

    So if I fancy a girl I won’t tell her unless I’m pretty sure she’ll be happy to find this out; but I might tell my friends (after appropriate consideration of what their relationship with her is…) – including you, unless I think you’re feeling fragile about your own fanciability at the moment.

    If I’m excited about some particular sex act, I’d only tell people who I think would want to hear (usually, the people I might be performing it with!).

    In general, I’d never just broadcast such things, though. Although putting them in a public place you have to explicitly look in, that has a clear precedent for such material, so the reader knows what to expect – such as this blog – would of course be fine!

    And I’d keep this isolated from my public identity, because indeed, some people would be uncomfortable with finding out that I spoke about sex outside of closed circles at all, or uncomfortable with what I said, and so they shouldn’t have any chance of accidentally coming across it – for those people it’s one thing to know that someone out there likes anal sex, but quite disturbing to think that their neighbour or son does. So for the sake of wanting people to be able to feel comfortable around me, I’d manually guard the link from my public identity to my private one. But I don’t see this as other people repressing my sexuality – it’s just me protecting other people from being disturbed by my expressions of my sexuality, is all.

  2. webmistress Says:

    But how do you find out who you can and can’t talk things over with? And its not just the sexuality – its my taste in books and films and what cloths I wear.

    All these things upset sections of society – I am awear that due to my up bringing I am over sensitive about this. With my guilt mentaility and thinking is as bad as doing installed too deep to extract.

    Its all very well to say this is a facet of mylife its here if you don’t like it dont read it but another to have to activily deny the existance of it all and that is what I find myself in the situation off.

    I keep quiet when people say things that I should defend for fear they will accuse me and I wont be able to pretend its not the case. you were not raised within a church community or with nosy neighbours you don’t knwo how bad it can get.

  3. The King Says:

    The best way to find out who is and who isn’t safe to talk to is to start by looking at what they say about themselves to begin with – particularly things they subtly imply without outright stating – then notice how they react to the statements of others: you can quickly spot homophobes by how they react to news reports about same-sex marriage laws, for example!

    I think that tastes in fiction can work much the same as sexuality; you just keep a mental eye open for what people’s standards seem to be, and just avoid mentioning anything you think they might be disturbed by. Clothes are more interesting, though; since it’s impractical to change clothes throughout the day, people have to be more tolerant of what you wear. The dedicated Goth is wise to avoid wearing his full leather-trenchcoat ensemble while doing his day job as a nursery worker, but on the other hand, his peers will probably tolerate him turning up to a goth pub in ordinary clothes if he hasn’t had time to go home and change since leaving work. Allowances are made, in context.

    Discrimination based on clothing and hair style is silly, I agree; but you can still mainly be yourself without problems, with a little care.

    Indeed, you are oversensitive, and terrified of a sense of judgement forced into you as a child. If, as a child, your mother reacted to you wanting to dress in a certain way with cries of “No! No daughter of mine is dressing up like a perverted freak!”, this was her expressing her fear that the church community would think less of her if you did – because she was caught up in the game of striving to reach the pinnacle of Holier Than Thou in competition with the others.

    People stuck in that race live in exaggerated fear of the consequences – they see themselves hanging on to normality by the skin of their fingers, terrified that they’ll let something slip and then their names will be mud…

    But in practice it’s not that bad. You can be a bit off-the-wall sometimes without any trouble, particularly if you do it in a way that just makes it seem normal. If people throw their hands up in horror at your dyed hair and you act flustered and shameful, you’ll seem like a weirdo. If you respond instead by laughing and confidently saying that you think it’s pretty, then you project a positive image of yourself as a normal person who just happens to have funny-coloured hair.

    And as for keeping quiet when you could enter into arguments with people saying things you disagree with – that’s just a matter of choosing your battles…

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