I am Tangled inside

I wanted to be me, I wanted to express myself. But I have failed and taken myself to a dangerous place, needlessly exposing myself.

I am tired of hiding and mean everything about me the shelf harm, the anger, the hatred for human beings in genral, the sexial devience – the darker non-safe aspects of my personality. I can’t seperate them anymore I want to shout at people for being so blind so stupid and yet fear my voice may betray me.

Why so worried, what would I loose?

I feel (weather rightly or wrongly) that I would loose my family, respect from friends, the community I have to live in would mostly ostrocize me (and this is a definate) and of this happened I would have no reason to act normal – no reason not to lock myself away and just write horrid dark depression self absorb shit – no reason to not paint endless nightmare on canvas that can never be sold and would send me deeper within myself.

Vampire girl informs me I’m a rational – like her, her husband and the King and therefore I primarily exist in my mind – feeling sick with not knowing who I am again. Feeling the worry that I am not a real person.

I have become very triggered and am not sure how I’m going to not do the stupidness that I always eventually do to cope.

This entry was posted on Sunday, March 29th, 2009 at 12:01 pm and is filed under The Abyss is Looking at Me. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.

Leave a Reply